You know how if someone is leaving us, someone we are so attached to and has almost been a big part of our identity, on which we build our self esteem, happiness, hope, dreams,...then there will also be a part where we think that maybe if we try a little harder, give it one more chance, talk to that person one more time, maybe things will be okay and this connetion will get to continue and you get to be with this person again. So we try and try, thinking one more time we will get it right, and eventually he will change.But that never happens the way we want. So when we finally realize that there is really nothing we can do anymore to get how we want it to be. It's like all of a sudden you have to give up all of your identity.
Imagine that for a minute.
I was caught in these struggles for five long years. At the end, you can understand how exhausted I was. I wanted to save myself from this deep suffering, but I didn't know how. I would say this is no different from drug addiction or any kind of addiction, except that my addiction is the one more hope around the corner from this relationship.
Once we realize the fact that that person is really gone and there is nothing we can do about it, we won't need all the behavior that we do all the time anymore. There is no mind chattering or figuring out what to say to that person, why he said a certain thing yesterday, or maybe I do this thing then he will change, maybe this afternoon he will call again...... you know none of these will happen the way you want anymore.
All of a sudden, you feel this big void in you. But along with it, there are alot of emotions, anger, anger, grieving, sorrow, self-pity....If we don't accept and are not willing to be in this place, all these emotions will occupy our inner space and we keep being carried around by this emotions. Some people can't bear with this and they might do stupid things, to numb themselves or even to end their life, even talking to people does not guarantee cure.
At this time, a very important turning point happened. One day, I told myself that okay, I was not going to fight anymore. I would just deal with this myself for a while. I am going to accept it that I was left by him and now I am by myself, and that's that.Something in me calm right down. I felt this peace right away.
The way the energy calm down feels similar way it calm down to stillness in meditation, just with less intensity.of course, there is still a lot of emotions, but now because of the willingness to be where I was and just accept it, recognize it, and being a humble human being, I felt a peaceful power start to grow in me, stronger and stronger.
Like I mentioned in my original post, I carried around this energy in my belly area for two months. It felt so heavy and substantial as if a vortex inside of me, sucking all of my energy inward. I almost had no interest toward anything around me, except that I needed to sit down. Some immense power is inside me and I could feel it. I need to connect with me.
And finally I had to sit down to connect with it.Later I realized what happened here is that a big part of my ego, old self, reactive self has died off the minute I decided to that I wm willing to be in this bad place, and did not react with my old ego behavior to fight on or figure out or to get even.
What happened once I started to meditate is in another post. I started to meditate daily, starting with 25 minutes each time. A week later, I sat one hour every night, sometimes also mornings.
That's when I get to feel the real me, my essence....After I have get my essence to come out, after about six months of no communication with him, we met again to talk. There was still a little emotions there. In the following meetings I talked to him from the place of my inner being, instead of that old ego. And to this day, we are still very close friend.
So here you have it, what it feels like of emergence of essence. After ego fade out though, to deal with all those left emotions, we still have alot of work to do. That's why I meditated intensively from that point on. And the more I do it, the more I am more clear about the direction, until I found that unchanging, immense place of stillness and total awareness.
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