122510 Official place to serve the dead

Last night I dreamed of being in my childhood home. My deceased father, a very spiritual person himseelf, is there with me.

Our home has just been declared the official place to help people who pass on. A guy is guiding my father how to do this. He is instructing my father how to announce it with a mike. My father asked the guy if he should announce that my home is the official place. The guy said yes. But my father only mentioned the number and didn't mention the official part.

A few of my relatives--uncles and aunts, came to my house with one child. My sister and my mother gave the child a red envelope. Someone is looking for change, but i told them that I only have large bills.

A group of neighbors are playing Christmas music. I thought to myself that my relatives will be able to hear it and feel the festivity.

It is amazing how often I dreamed of my family when I am really half a globe away from them. My father was also no longer living for ten years now. I dreamed of him quite often.

A decor wish realized coincidently

12/10/10

A decor wish realized

I suddenly had in my mind about maybe putting up a small Christmas tree and ask staff if they want to do Yankee Swap. Everyone can put a present under the tree and we will open the presents during our potluck.

Today after I was busy all morning, I walked into the multi-function room, thinking that I would ask some office staff there about the idea of Yankee Swap, but keep thinking about how to set up a festive setting.

As I walked into the multi-function room, I was so surprised to see that the room has been decorated with a beautiful Christmas tree, a few stockings, and some other festive deco. I asked staff who did the decor, because in here, we hardly ever do any religious related decor. It turned out that the nutrition staff has dec the place for their Monday meeting.

I quickly emailed them to let the decor stay after their meeting.

It probably is another wink from the spirits to have things realized for me when that idea came to me suddenly.

A heart warming rescue

http://www.youtube.com/user/meiabcd#p/a/u/0/FuG31w12g4o (I shot this video)

Saugus news run this story http://www.wickedlocal.com/saugus/topstories/x1167179421/Goose-rescued-from-frozen-Breakheart-lake-in-Saugus

Boston Globe also report

http://www.boston.com/news/local/breaking_news/2010/12/canadian_goose.html?comments=all&plckCurrentPage=1

A canadian goose was rescued today (12/12/2010)by Animal Rescue League of Boston (ARL), after it was stuck in the ice for 2,3 days at Breakheart Reservation in Saugus, Massachusetts.

The whole thing quietly played out over the weekend, and was finished beautifully due to a few unsung heroic rescuers, who deserves to be known.

I really has pushed hard on this one. It certainly was frustrating and was not easy, because several things were against the chance--- It's weekend. The weather was stormy with wind and rain. Ice rescue is a very big deal. And it is just a goose, esepcially a Canadian goose, which some see as pollutants. Every place did tell me they don't do rescue. ARL told me that they cannot guarantee. They also seem to want to just wait until today when the weather is warmer and the goose might be able to free itself. But the ice never melt today. The goose needs a bed of water to take off.

The goose couldn't move yesterday and today it was giving out distressing calls. People were concerned but no one could do anything. I sat next to the water for 2 hours yesterday to see how the bird was doing and made some phone calls. Then I went into the visitor center to see what else I could do, while waiting for ARL. One guy did come to assess the situation yesterday, but didn't have proper equipment to do anything. He planed on returning today.

I knew I would be miserable that night. I didn't have a good night and couldn't sleep well. The thought of the goose stuck in the ice all by himself all night hungy and scared really broke my heart.

What's the meaning when I am so sensitive toward suffering of this world?

I am not being fair to myself when being bothered so much by sufferings of other's.

With the weather warming up to the 50s today, it's hard to know what the condition of the ice is in the lake. The sky was all gloomy, the strong wind and the rain went off and on. When I got to the lake, it's so good to see a guy with a dog was by the water. We shared each other's concern about the bird, really good to have someone to talk to in this frustrating situation, since we really didn't know whether the rescue would take place today.

I stayed by the lake for another hour or so after he left. The goose could move around now, so it turned around, flapping the wings a few times, giving out distressing calls. I was just broken-hearted.

I said to the spirits around to please help him. He needs help. Please help. This is wrong.

I walked to the visitor center to wait. The Park Ranger Michael happened to return after a hike with three hikers. Suddenly I felt a bit better. I told Mike about the situation. He just assured me that he would be happy to help out if ARL needs him to.

It's so good to see ARL truck arrive at around 1:30. We went up there to assess the scene. The technician Mark then made a call and they decided that they would attempt the rescue when another guy come with some more gears.

I then went to get a sandwitch. I was just finishing my last bite when they came in to get me. I again walked up to the lake. Enroute, I say it firmly to the spirits around that "He will be rescued. He will be out. No more another night. He will be out right now. "

It is so moving to see these three rescuers all started to suit up. Mark Vogel started to try out the surface of the lake, a rope was attached to Mike Brammer. The lake surface is solid. He was on his hands and knees slowly crawling on the lake to get close to the goose 50, 60 feet away. As he got near, the goose glided farther. They glided around for a while, looking almost impossible. And then, the bird was stuck in a part of the ice and was trap by Mark's big net. He slowly and gently brought the goose back to shore.

I am so grateful toward these rescuers. It really takes commitment and effort to get this mission underway and to complete, as this is on a weekend with holiday getting near. Some might alo criticize rescuing a Canadian goose, a pest in some people's view.

This situation is different, however. When an animal is stuck in the ice like that, it is in distress and needs help. It would wrong to have an animal stuck and suffering in the middle of a beautiful lake, with people walking around the water without doing anything.

The goose has no voice. I need to be the voice for him to ask for help. I would not take no for an answer, in this greatest country of the world.

This bird apparently has been stuck in the ice since early this week, when the lake started to freeze up. It stayed in the middle of the lake to avoid dogs or coyotes on land. It got stuck when the water froze up more and more, until finally there was nowere to take off.

The sight of the goose stuck in the middle of the icy lake is pretty odd, since you think it would have flew away before it got ice up.

I wouud not be able to imagine another night for the bird to be out in the cold and wind suffering alone. A hawk or a coyote can easily get to it and finish it up.

The rescuers from Animal Rescue League did a beautiful job. It says a lot when you could get three guys coming out here in this stormy weather. on a Sunday afternoon, for a goose stuck in the icy lake.

These rescuers really deserve to be recognized.

coincidence, signs, or developing psychic ability?

Took care of things the day before it’s too late
We constantly are checking whether families are qualified for service to avoid fraudulence. We have been trying to decide whether any letter from this particular organization is legit. We might or might not have to make any decisions if we believe everything seems fine.

On this day, nothing out of place, but I decided to make the call to this particular organization, reminded my staff to document what have been done.

The next day, central office called all of a sudden to say that any paper work from this particular agency is not going to qualify for service. My staff and I were all like what a coincidence when I just took care of it the previous day. It was a big relief.

It is just interesting that I took care of things the day before central office started to look into this particular organization.

Recovering my phone at the least possible place
At the end of the day, I realized that I couldn’t find my phone. I walked around trying to re-trace where I had been to and couldn’t find it.

It was already 6:30 at night and I decided I was not going to find it. As I started my car to go home, all of a sudden I felt strongly that I need to go back to look right now. I also felt strongly I would find it this time.

So I went back into the building and planned to go into each classroom to dial my number and see if I hear anything.

After I dialed the phone in the first classroom but in vain, I strangely turned to the reception area, where I had checked once. This time, I was drawn to a hidden area in the far end. At the back of the row of the chairs, I found my phone.

In a million years, I would not leave my phone there. How I found it was just very odd.

110510 Seeing 7777
Tonight I went out with a few coworkers for an after work chat. At the end when the check came, everyone gave me cash, while I paid the whole thing with my credit card. We were all stunned to see what the amount was. It was $77.77. We all looked each other like this is really something.

110810 One word coincident
Tonight all of a sudden “Omega Institute” came to my mind. After walking around with itin my head for a few hours, I went on the computer. As I typed in ”Omega”, the TV happened to be saying “Omega project” on Scare Tactic

110910 Image coincident
Tonight I was on the computer looking at a Vermont retreat facility. I scrolled down the webpage and came across some photos. As I looked at four photos, 2 are wild deer. At the exact same time, the TV news is reporting a traffic accident caused by a deer crossing the road.

110910 Image coincident
I was reading through a book, while watching “the haunted” on the animal channel. The screen happened to be showing a pentacle. I looked down at the book I was skimming through, I was pointing my finger exactly at a pentacle in the book.

111410 Ignoring GPS and finding location with gut feeling
Coming back from lunch, I drove from a few towns away trying to go to the park I go to every weekend. Not knowing the address, I set GPS to my place, but then drove to a mid point, with the intention to go to that park from there. Once I got to this mid point, I thought if I head toward the only turn I knew, the GPS will take me to my highway, but instead it kept telling me to turn around to follow the same route back to I-93.

I just had a hunch to keep driving. So despite GPS telling me to go here or go there, I pretty much was following my own gut feeling driving. I was a bit nervous, as I am not familiar at the roads around. I basically just kept going straight, as if something was pulling me. In about 15 minutes, I saw a highway sign straight ahead, and knew that at least I didn’t go to a wrong direction, although the surrounding was still unfamiliar. In about another 5 minutes, some familiar stores appeared and I realized this is the road in front of the reservation park I was heading. I sat at the parking lot amazed by what just happened.

112110 seeing 1111, 111, 444
Last night, I went into the kitchen, and I saw the clock on the stove says 11.11.
This morning, I went into the kitchen, and I saw the clock on the stove says 1.11.
This afternoon, when I drove by a digital clock on route 1, it says 4.44.
(Lately, there have been other times like these, but I didn’t really pay attention or keep track.)

Goose coming over from the far end of the lake
I came to the lake to see if that lone goose was there. I didn’t see it at first. I walked around the lake and sat at the other side to work on energy. Then I saw this bigger bird with white stomach--That’s the goose. He was way over there on the other side of the lake and appeared to be going from the water into bushes.
In about 10 minutes, I saw him going into water again, but lingering in that far end. I really wanted to give him some food, but there didn’t seem to be a way for him to come over or see that I have food.
I started to picture in my mind using a thread to pull him over. I kept picturing it. At first, it didn’t seem to be even possible. He still paddled around in that far end. At one point, he even went on land into the bushes. Then he went into water shortly. I kept picturing pulling him over. I also kept saying in my mind “You will come over here.”
It probably took me 8-10 minutes the most for him to start to paddle toward my direction. He kept coming toward and finally got to me. I couldn’t believe it. How did this happen?

112210 Seeing 1111
Tonight I saw 10:10 on my computer, and saw 11:11 on my smart phone, and then unintentionally saw 11:11 again on my computer, as I started to type in this entry

112310 Seeing 1111

Tonight as I finished this post and went to get my smart phone to upload picture to this post. I saw 11:11 on my smart phone and then on the computer again.

Flying like it's natural

110510 Flying like it's natural

This experience is a bit unusual because of the amount of purposeful flying. I usually only fly during OBE, or after I become lucid from the dream. The only times I fly in dreams were when I was at the height of my meditation experience. Maybe this is an astral projection and I am in my astral body. That’s why I fly like it's my natural ability, instead of running, when trying to escape.
Last night I woke up for a while and then fell back into sleep. Then I found myself in a bar in an after work chat with a colleague. We were waiting for others to arrive. I walked around for a while carrying a bag, in it was a mystic something (stone?) in a small box. When I looked for it, there is evidence that the stuff has been stolen because the box is now on the floor.
My colleague helped me to look for it. We walked out and continued looking, until I came across an acquaintance. Somehow this colleague knew something is not right about this guy and he might have my small box. He sat on the floor. I explained to him how important that box is to me and I beg him to return it to me. He was reluctant. He wanted to have that stuff very bad.
He waved in his hand a small box cutter, trying to threaten me to go away.
I somehow took it back from him, and now he chased after me.
So I took off flying into the air and after a few distance, I felt cutting sensation in my left leg. It was the guy catching up on me using the box cutter and some magic to cut my leg. I escaped again flying away from him, waving my arms trying to fly higher and higher.
I am above a market area where many people walking around on the ground. No one is flying. I am the only one. When I got down on the ground, one guy grab me and told me: the other guy is dead and he has been dead for a few months. I got scared. He wanted me to keep flying. I wanted him to stay with me so that he can tell me who is good and who is bad. He wanted me to wait a little bit because he has to do something, but I can’t wait.
So I took off flying again. I remember enjoying the flying and thinking to myself: Wow, I am so used to flying now. It is becoming natural. The view is so clear and it is so easy. I also have good control to my movement and where I am going.No one seems to notice me. Then three guys came out of nowhere and flew up to me. I flew away again really really fast over the roof, trying to find a place to hide around the building structure, so that no one can find me.
Then I kept flying until I got to a highway or a road where there is less traffic and people. I started to feel sluggish.

gem stones

Haven't been using gem stones for a while since last time when the effect got too strong.

Last night I used them on all of the 7 charkras. The effect is immediate. The muscle on my face twitch. My solar plexus gets a bit sore, almost feeling great. It really is like tranquilizer working in my body. In just a few seconds, I fell into a totally relaxing state.

My cat didn't see me placing the stones on my body. Normally he would just walk on me and find a spot to squize next to me. Last night, he seems to sense something and walked around me, settling somewhere in the bed, as if noticing something taking place.

I can feel that my body has been too tired due to the hard work and stress from work.

I had a long dream last night and a very deep relaxing sleep.

092510 luicid dreaming--flying in a tunnel

I have been occupied with work and have not been attempting OBEs, too busy being a boss and teaching at nights. A lot of things going on at work, pressure from internally and externally.

I do meditate daily and do yoga every week. My main focus has been to familiarize myself with a inner place of zero--the source of our being.

Every weekend, I go into nature to work on inner energy as well.

One thing I have found is how closely our body and being work together and affect each other. As a result, I found that sometimes I work on the end of the being, and other times, work on the end of the body. Both methods take me back to the zero.

I have found that it's very true that our mind (and body) really are addicted to anything that we can't let go. It's very important to be free from attachment and also right thinking, or it takes away the balance of our body, which takes us away from zero--the source of our being.

There have been some strange dreams, but not surprisingly, we remember the best when we are lucid.

Last night in the dream, I arrived at a huge building and all of a sudden, I became lucid and realizing that I am dreaming.

I know that I can fly. So I turn on my inner energy, almost like turning on a power switch, combined from my mind and my whole body, and then took off from the ground.

I soared around in the building and was amazed how large this building is. I didn't see anyone or anything around. I shouted: "Anybody here? Does anyone want to tell me anything?"

In a minute, I saw a woman sitting in a car. She had a black dress and hat of 1800s. I said hi to her, but she didn't respond to me. Then her face got vague and then I flew away.

I kept flying around, hoping to see anyone. I looked back where I came from. The whole thing is now looking like a black tunnel. I shouted again: Anyone here?

Then I saw two teen boys and maybe their parents pass by. While they were passing by, I tried to talk to them but they didn't appear to hear me or see me. When I touched them, I noticed that my arms pass through their bodies. I was amazed what happened and was wondering if they were not solid, or maybe I was not solid.

After they were gone. I was alone again. I flew away in the tunnel. From here, I don't remember the tranistion, but I know that I went up and down in another building, seeing and doing something here which I don't remember.

Just know that there will be some damages

Worry that something might go wrong? Worry that someone might shine over you? Worry that you might make a mistake? Worry that the smooth ride might come to an end soon enough?

All these ruminating or worrying can be saved just by accepting that one way or the other, things will not be totally perfect. There will be some damages here or there. Everything can't be perfect.

Accept that. Be humble. Be really small.

using zero as the gauge

I have become so sensitive to the change in any part of my body, particularly where it's tense, stressed, the opposite of relax or zero, that I could become uncomfortable and wake up in the middle of the night.

That's why it's important to be free of all attachment. Any thing you can't let go freely keep thoughts and emotions going, and in turn, keep your body tense up.

Then I go into meditation. I ask myself " Which part is unwilling?" I instantly notice the tense part. Once I identify it, I just keep feeling that discomfort and say "This is unwillingness." "This is this." Usually in a short moment, that tension goes away.

Usually as I notice the tension and when it starts to go away, I often feel the weeping sensation, maybe from the effect of something coming all the way up to my heart chakra and then my head, particularly my nose and eyes area.

As the tension goes away and as I have a fully relaxed body, I quickly become recharged. I go from being tired and exhausted to totally energetic and refreshed all over.

I think it's because the tensed body stops the flow of the inner energy. Once we let go, the body let go as well and the energy flows freely.

accept that everything has an ending

It is the ending that we dread, the ending that we wish we would never see.

Attachment is hanging on to things and hope they never end. Attachment tie us down so we can't take up freely.

Once we are free of attachment, free of fear of ending, including death, all our inner power will show.

Accept. Acknowledge. Let it. Allow. Be humble.

Our body can't help our attempt in fixing the past or the future

When I find myself wondering about the past or the future, I usually also notice the tense body and the anxious feelings.

I have found that it's generally impossible to figure out anything which is not present, at least our body doesn't comprehend what we are doing, and can't not help the process. We are left with our own will power trying to fix the future or the past. We might still achieve things that way, but at the expense of the well being of our body and mind.

I have learned to come back to the present whenever I am stressed or in anyway uncomfortable. I have learned that whatever issue it is, it is best to figure it out from the present being.

It's almost not worth the effort wondering about anything not present. Our body does not comprehend it, and the mis match of body and mind disturb the whole process.

Canadian geese family

I have not seen the Canadian geese family since the week before, the geese family that I visited for about three months.



I fed them Saturday the week before, and then I didn't see them again on that Sunday, and last week, and this week. I was worried something bad happened to them, like the two chicks out of the three mysteriously disappearing two months ago. They are stubborn birds and usually stand their grounds. No preditors are seen in the area either. I hope they are just moving on, now that the chick is big enough to fly.



Without them, the lake is now empty and returns to its forever nothingness.



I miss them, feeling the loss of something dearing.



I will never forget the moment I shared with them. They became acquainted with me, came swimming or flying over to me right away from across the lake when I appear. With no lacking of joggers, or dog walkers by the lake, I often wonder how they tell me apart.



Sometimes on a drizzling morning, I would be the only one came to the lake with an umbrella. They would come to my side, the mother goose, the father goose, and their chick.



They really are natural beauties. I am always in awe in their presence. What a magnificent bird, almost unreal. All they eat is just grass, seaweed, and they grow to be this beautiful creatures.



Yes, they don't try to be beautiful. They are beautiful, effortlessly. They are just geese. They swim around the lake all day long, without doing anything. When they are not in the water, they stand on the rocks clean their own feathers.



The mother and the father are very responsible parents. One of them is always standing guard when the family is feeding.



Hopefully they will come back again next year.

From body to being

The more experience with meditation and yoga, the more sensitive we become toward our body awareness. Our body becomes something we go by to make decisions.

I am familiar with the state where every part of the body is relaxed. Whenever I am stressed, I would go back to my body trying to find out which part is tense. Then I would tell myself to imagine ample blood flow or energy flow flood through every part of my body. I instantly become energized.

This is not something I am very aware of during my first awakening. During the first time, my energy was so strong that I was emersed in strong flow all day long. The profound change took place, but it happened due to a sudden loss of self. It wasn't something I could control. After the whole thing die down in two years, I had no idea how to get back in there.


This time around, I traced back little by little and got to know my body and my mind separately. I found that in order to get in touch with the mind, the body plays the major role.

After a long stressful work day, I would cearly be aware of my tense body. The tension is not easy to get over. I sesnse this tension staying with me until I sit down to meditate.

Right away, I would relax my body and still sense the anxiety in me, body and mind mismatched, an uncomfortable feeling. The self inquiring questtion comes to me automatically " Can I handle this?" "Am I pretending anything?" "How does this feel?" "Let me just do this." "What's that inside?" "What happens when I don't do anything?" "What happens when I let it happens inside?"

At the turn of from tense to relax, anxious to calm, pretentious to real, in both body and mind, something in me seems to flow, and I always sob at this juncture, from a full blown weeping, to just a crying sensation.

Then this feeling of being in touch would appear. Not yet ultimate, because the body memory of uncomforableness will still be there for a while, until the new energy wash everything away.

Then the energy shakes and rocks the body, until it stops.

This is when the energy keeps coming and coming, a totally different being emerges.

This usually brings on a very restful sleep afterwards and very clear, long dream.

The truth about awakening--breaking free from one attachement at a time

On weekends I have been visiting the geese family living in that lake, feeding them some bread and see how they are doing. Two chicks disappeared about three weeks ago, only one chick left with the mother and father geese. No one seems to have an any idea what happened to those chicks. Maybe people took them away home as pets.

This place of 640 acers has two lacks, two main roads, and many shaded trails surrounded by trees and plants. Aside from the picnic areas where people have barbecue and swimming in the water, most places are quiet and tranquil. I am just very lucky to have found this place.

Usually I sit near the water to work on chakras, body scan, and then take in the energy from the water and the trees. I enjoy having some fresh salad, fruits as lunch. Before and after that, I usually hike for the best part of the day, stopping to feel a certain tree, or the small plants on the side of the road, feeling the joy and magnificence of the living things.

I often wonder what can be better than this. If this is not heaven, what is?

Then I go back to my work during the week, running a program durirng the day and teaching three nights of courses each week now.

I am very good at what I do. But I still hope to be better, and maybe to be promoted to a higher position. When there is such hope, there are competition and comparation. Teaching courses not only keeps me in the leading edge, but also means more money to put aside for safety net for the future.

Ever since my first awakening, I have found that I have been getting much more flexible, much more stable, much more focused, and much more energized in whatever I do. However, there is still one thing that I still get slightly hung up on.

Will I be okay if I stop moving upward in positions? Will I be okay if someone else gets ahead? Will I be okay when I am old and weak?

Someone can still tip me off if their comment is about my performance as a leader, because of the frustration of how easy a good intention can be misinterpreted. At such times, although at a lesser degree, I found the effect similiar to that of an ex- boyfriend's insensitive words or act in the past, at a lesser degree because I do have the confidence and self knowing that I am very good and my status can't be swayed just because of someone's comment. But the fact of the effect on me still means something.

The attachement and the fear don't just go away as a general awakening, they can only be processed one by one. If we awake through a bad relationship, it doesn't bring automatic freedom to all things. We might still can't give up our need of control on other things. It has to be faced one by one, until one day, when we truly are free with all fear and attachement.

One thing very interesting is the technique of exposure of parting with things that we can't let go, or refraining from doing compulsive behaviors.

For the fear of losing the star edge at my organization, I can certainly get more and more flexible and open minded as I become more and more aware and present. However, one thing that will work fast is to expose myself to the opposite of what I want to be and face the anxiety and fear.

Try not to have an opinion. Try to be very small. Try to be just another human being without a title, a position. Try to be just like the tree and the geese by not needing to prove anything.

Of course, this doesn't mean stop performing or intentionally do a bad job at work.

This means let the inner energy be the lead.

Feel that energy inside. Act not out of fear, but out of who I really am, or do not act.

Why does everyone keep running away from here?

I am in the place of zero, and then a thought comes in, leading to another, and another. I can feel that the scenarios get my muscles tense up.

I ask "Why don't I want to be in here, the place of zero?" " Why does everyone keep runing away from here?" "What are we running away from?"

When I ask "why does everyone keep running away from here?" I feel compassionate for the neglected place, as if it's a living being got left behind all the time. So the compassion keeps rising. I feel compassionate toward myself, and then to the space around, and then to anything that comes to my awareness.

When I ask " what are we running away from?" I start to notice that there is a me, a center, that's always here.

Every time I come back to this center, I can feel that the tense of my muscle let go, I am home, I am in the place of zero.

the significance and mechanism of self compassion

I just listened to a CD recording to a conference of Center of Mindfulness on self compassion, which explains the mechanism from many scientific researches. I finally have the scientific studies to explain what I have been doing and experiencing all along

The following are a few things from the studies:

1. Self compassion is much more than self esteem.

2. Self compassion is twice better for our well being than the companionship a good friend would provide.

3. High self compassion is associated with low arousal state.

4. Self compassion enables us to see our suffering as a part of connected human experience, realizing that we are not alone. It is the feeling of isolation from the larger part that causes suffering.


What I have experienced is as following:

The ability and the process of getting to self compassion will be the end result of the journey.

We can sit regularly, we can get to the point of stillness, mindfulness, we can be totally relaxed...but nothing is like when we get to self compassion, really experiencing it with every part of our body and soul.

Have enough meditation practice, and explore the route of self exploration enough, and we will have to get to the point of self compassion.

When we sit and try to stay focused and aware, we find that we are going through the process of dealing with the surfacing of body sensation, emotions, thoughts, memory. Deep down underneath all these, there is this true place of zero.

Although we want to stay in that place of zero, somehow all these sensations, emotions, thoughts, memory keep taking us away from it. Sometimes it feels like we are more interested in all the drama above, because the excitements are more interesting than the emptiness and stillness.

But the type of excitements we are used to actually get our stress hormone going, keeping us on the high of whatever drama bring to us, preventing us to really experience the true happiness of zero.

Once we see this hopeless patterns of going around and around enough, we start to see how much suffering and pain this going around has been causing us. We shouldn't need to do anything to be okay. We are always okay all along, but this going around keeps taking us away from it.

Realizing this is not enough to keep us there. Then another layer of realization emerges, that we deserve to be in that place, and that only us are making the choice and have the power to take us away. This is the point where we need the practice to connect our body to be used to the state of zero, with the high regard, respect, compassion toward ourselves.

This rerquires some repetitive immersion in that place and the dealing with our inner struggles. In the process of each practice, we start to feel this is true within every part of our body and our soul.

Once we have no doubt and no barrier toward this zero state and the high respect and compassion toward self, our inner energy gets flowing and flowing to create and maintain such a state everywhere we go.

Stay still and feel what's inside

I remember in one of the episode of Hoarders on A & E, an old woman has made her own house a dumpster with piles and piles of stuff, trash, rotten food, and dead cats. Her daughter desperately wants to help her, but she often blames everyone else around her. Everything is always everybody else's fault. The daughter is sick and tired of being hurt and accused by her and the show is her last attempt of getting help for her mother.

As I watched the episode, I noticed a rocking chair this old woman often goes sit in, either to escape the argument with her daughter or to escape from the dumpster the house has turned into. I instantly know that this rocking chair can be one of the things that aid her denial.

The rocking just keeps her deeper and deeper into the denial. She rocks and rocks so that the discomfort of it all will not get to her, almost like she soothe herself with the rocking, so that she can continue to face the horrible condition of the house and the arguring with her daughter.

I have observed how easy we can be in denial about facing the truth in us in meditation. The discomfort when sitting is the metorphor of how uncomfortable she must feel in that house. However, we fidget and try different things to avoid being in the face of whatever we are trying to avoid. So we keep our thoughts, memory, emotions, sensations going, so that we don't need to face the truth that come up.

In fact, what we should do in meditation is to stay very still and let whatever comes up come up. Just focus. Just notice. Be brave. Do no try to fidget and move, in order to feel comfortable.

Usually in the beginning, we let it go and let the body rock and sway for a while. Then it will stop after the body has adjusted to its own position. This is the time when it's much easier to be still. Then start to observe and notice.

This is how we can notice and connect with our deeper level of inner energy.

Chakras

Here is an very informative website about kundalini.
http://biologyofkundalini.com/

Inner energy will take us on the right track, by listening to our own truth. When we are true, inner energy will start to flow. Blockage will be felt--emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Clearing these enough, we will come to feel the urge of doing yoga and exploring our chakras.

When I first did chakras, the sudden surge of energy made me angry and reactive for a few days. Issues came up at a faster pace. I had to deal with them for a while. These clearing is essential.

But after that, things take off smoothly, both spiritually and in life.Each of the seven chakras influences a different level in us. The goal is the balance in all of them. The process of balancing is the process of spiritual development.

Some might say there really is nothing to do. But due to the accumulated bodily sensation, emotions, thoughts, memories, there are things to do. there bound to be a process, whether it's quick for some or long for others.

Yes, the tricky part is how not to make the whole journey a ego-boosting trip from all these advancement we experience. Inner energy and the right way of being often reinforce each other and keep taking us to the next level.

If there is an ego involved, there will be a limit. If there is no ego, there will be no limit.

Just my 2 cents.

the ultimate connection with self--total honesty

Sit down. Relax the body. Breathe deeply so we can really feel. Surrender to whatever we are feeling currently. Surrender. Ask if pretending anything or resisting anything. Admit it.

Feel anything that comes up. Accept it.

In order to go deeper, we have to be totally honest. We need to be totally aware. Ask "Do you know about this?" "Is this totally true?"

Total honesty toward anything in our awareness is the last lap of road that takes us to our true self.

032710 floating up

3/27

This afternoon while napping, I semi woke up and became aware on the bed and all of a sudden felt the energy surge in the belly again. I felt lifting up, my legs were up higher than my body. I kept floating up in the air for about 10 seconds. At the same time, there is a force trying to pull me out of my room. I was still very sleepy.

Then I found myself in a place feeling like home. My deceased father was there. He came home and we were waiting for him to eat dinner. It was almost bedtime. We were gathering the pots and pans and get the food ready for him and everyone.

sually I dream about him when my energy flows inward, Many times he is somewhere in the background whenever I have OBEs or lucid dreams (or before/after).

just create and make it happen

I have been intensely doing meditation since 2003, when I had a profound transformation early that year. The great impact could clearly be felt inside and out of myself up until 2005. In 2006 and 2007, due to the sudden opportunities of doing 1 full time job and 2 part time jobs, there was a temporary interruption of the earnest practice and the tranquility.

2008 is the year when I started to share my experience on the web. At the same time, I picked up my regular meditation practice, plus the charkra work.

Life took off big time from there, spiritually and professionally.

Most of times during the day, I put 100% of myself in the work, sometimes even 120%, which is not even fair for myself.

During the weekend, I usually take a little time to unwind, going from being excited, intense, to being relaxed, quiet, and contemplative.

In the beginning of the process, I often realized how tired and sleepy I really am. The high stress during the week accumulates and doesn't have time to be released totally.

Familiar with this true place deep down, at least I know what the bottom line feels like and how far off I am away from it, and simply going back and forth each week.

After I totally unwind, I often feel surreal how wonderful everything is and how wonderful I feel. This is when I feel this urge to share, contribute, or connect.

It can be overwhelming to feel good. I would feel compelled to do something or look for something that matches how I feel inside. I try to look for books, good talks in meditation center, good movies about spirtuality.

Often times, my search comes back empty handed. Some books are good, but I know I have past those described in the books. Some movies are good, but they didn't exactly go into the point of where this can take us. Going to meditation center is good, but I found that what I share seem to be too far ahead...

I learned that there is nothing out there to look for, it is all in me. I need to create and make whatever I feel inside into reality. I need to bring it out into the world. There is nothing to search. There is no where to go. Just create. Just make it happen. Just do something.

I am in the driver's seat. I am holding the brushes in front of the easel. I am totally powerful and in control.

Look nowhere else. It's all up to me.

humble animals

While driving on the street to work today, I noticed the bags and bags of trash overflown out of the trash barrels in front of houses and stores.

It occurred to me the other day how much trash I am generating all the time. Sometimes I am surprised how fast I have to throw my trash out, while I am not even using much or buying much. But I constantly am bringing out trash. Where do they come from?

While walking in the woods, I often am amazed by how clean the woods is. All I see is leaves, twigs, dirts, all natural, all from nature, and going back to nature.

All animals in the nature are all so humble in the way they live and die. They come to this world, live, thrive, suffer, and die, following the natural cycle, bringing nothing to the world and bringing nothing with them when they leave.

Look around our human society. What a egocentric way of living. We somehow think that we can do whatever we want and we can change this world into the way we want it to be. We create so many stuff out of our litte heads to "solve problems" or to "make our lives better." We accumulate, resist, never satisfy, change, thinking that there is always somemthing wrong with where we are or who we are or what we do. We constantly want to be somewhere else better, going soomewhere else or creating something, or thinking something.

Why can't we just learn from the animals and the nature? Be humble. Surrender. All animals have come and go in all type of circumstances, why think that we should be any different or that we should always be comfortable, happy, healthy, strong, successful?

Tears come pouring out from my eyes.

Can't we be like a tree or the grass and be humble and flexible?

Only then can our true nature shines through.

If we don't even notice we are breathing, what else are we missing?

If we don't even notice we are breathing, what else are we missing?

Maybe our spiritual guide. Maybe a spirit trying to make contact. Maybe the Truth

Because the quality of our attention is only 30%

Once we pay full attention, we see the whole thing around us, that is and have always been here.

032410 lucid dreaming

032410 This is a lucid dreaming last night

I was walking on the street and was passing by a few people boarding a bus. A guy and a woman was about to step on the bus when the woman’s high heel was stuck in the hole in a cover of a man hole. So the guy pulled the woman’s arm trying to get her out, while I pulled her other arm. The helping out seemed to get the energy in my body flowing.

Then the bus drove off a little further down, but someone else was still trying to catch the bus, so now the bus is in my way of where I was heading. So I was standing there waiting the bus to leave.

After the bus drove off, a totally different view appeared. A long road was now in front of me, stretching as far as I can see, full of white sand on it. So now I stood on the top of the slope, looking down this road. All of a sudden, a surge of energy developed in my body and I knew I want to fly.

So I ran very quickly down the road and then took off like a soaring superwoman. I was so excited and felt so strong with the surge of energy in me, knowing fully that I had just become lucid in the dream. Now I was in control. Two women walking on the road looked back at me soaring. I noticed their eyes glaring like cats at night. I soared over them and enjoyed the freedom and power.

I kept thinking where to go and at the same time scanned the landscape. I flew over a valley with a big empty river bad and mountain around it. I remember to look at my hand. It’s solid. It means that this is a lucid dream, not an OBE.

I wanted to go to my grandma’s farm. Right away, my grandma’s farm appeared in front of me. I didn’t see anyone in there. I flew around the house, the front yard, back yard, and neighborhood. It was after rain and everything looked so fresh, and sharp in colors. I miss this place.

As I was leaving the farm, I kept thinking where else I wanted to go. I kept flying and then started to feel sluggish and knew that I was waking up.

I woke up for about an hour and then went back to sleep again. This time, I was in a building with a group of people. Some people there were expecting me and also knew what I was lacking and was accommodating me and providing me with things I need. Then I went into this big library where everyone was free to express whatever creativity and emotions they have and everyone is expressing their inner world in the walkway of the library. Something happened here, but I don’t remember.

I am with the Truth

“I am with the Truth.”

Six years ago when I was at the bottom of my misery near the end of that relationship, what got me through was “I am with the Truth.”

Yes, I am left alone. Yes, he doesn’t want me. Yes, he and her are happy ever after. Yes, he is with her and I am all alone. Yes, he is so cruel. Yes, He doesn’t want me….

But I am with all the above. I am with the Truth. Where else do I want to be? Where else can I be?

Truth has been and always is here. That’s my resting place.

I am a nobody, just like my cat

3/20 Mindfulness Conference

Attended a mindfulness conference last night and today. When I was about to leave, a woman waited me at the ATM to thank me saying that my experience was that I never got it before but then something happened to me and that’s when I got right into it. She said that’s the best thing she heard out of the whole conference.

Two weeks ago, I was in a 3 day work related training. A woman told me that there is something about what I said and my demeanor that’s really different. There is something very touching.
Last night, two things that I got out of were: The path toward health is kindness. This has been my greatest conclusion out of all the meditations I do.

The other thing was: If you said “Imagine trying to put your hand in that fire like her.” Usually people don’t go in to help that person out of the fire. If you said “try to feel what her hand is feeling in that fire.” This usually get people to get another person out of the fire right away.


Another great thing I found in one of the books was: Where you are strong is usually your weakness. Power sometimes is just the disguise of insecurity or low-self esteem.

Try to present yourself as nobody as possible. If I am so eager to tell people I am in power, try hide that information and just stay in that position of nobody. Try to have no opinion. Try to just observe, not engage.

Turn discomfort into an inquiry.

The decision I came to today is that I need to share what I experienced. I need to go to the insight meditation center.

Right now one challenge for me is if someone threatens the hard work I have around work. When I really ask myself, so why do you get so worked up if a phony person can shine more than she deserves. Besides the reason that I am angry that others got fooled by non truth, there definitely is a sense of insecurity. I am just so bothered by phoniness.

Am I in fear of phoniness? Do I maybe have phoniness as well?

Maybe I value what I achieved so much, that I think it to be wrong if someone falsely get more than what she works for or deserves.

It's all in the attachment to possession, when infact, we can't really possess anything.

Why not just feel that uncomfortable sensation that person feels when she she can be so insecure because she doesn't deserve all that credits. How uncomfortable it must be.

Truth will come out eventually. Truth is always here. Why do you take that on yourself, wanting to reveal the truth tot others?

When I walk in the woods, I ask these questions to the trees. I need to learn from the trees. Every tree is so tall. I don’t admire any tree more than the other. Some are taller than others. But in the scheme of things, it really doesn’t matter.

I need to honor each moment, good or bad. No one moment is better than the other.

My cat Sunny, what a gentle soul. He spent his lifetime doing just sleep, wake up, eat, poop, running around, day in and day out. And then one day, he is gone. Such a nobody, yet such a loving creature.

I am just like that. I am no different.

2010 Leadership Shining Star Award

Last month, I received 2010 Leadership Shining Star Award among the 600-700 employees citywide, standing side by side with another veteran program director who is highly respected in the field. Considering myself being so new in my role in leadership, I feel extremely recognized and also congratulate myself for all my hard work and dedication.

It has never been a goal of mine to receive an award. I just do how things should be done. The focus is intense. The vision is clear. There is just so much energy and direction in me that I want to serve my people well, while also feeling very competent. Most of the time though, there is just no time to think or ponder.

There were sometimes sleepless nights, due to the constant flow of ideas and excitement.

Good words also flow around about me. Some original opposition and gossips decline over time.

The corrsponding growth/development of inner purpose and outer purpose seems to start to complement and shape each other.

two weepings

Weeping 030210

Last night during meditation before bed, I did each chakra and also golden light from the crown. Then first, there is a resistance in the way for me to be in touch of my bottom. While trying to reach down, I started to weep. The more I tremble, the more I cry. It totally started as a physical sensation and then snow ball. The physical sensation felt like sadness, but I was not even thinking about anything.
I had to weep and weep and there was so much sensation (that felt like sadness) coming up. I didn’t think I could stop it. When I said “let me” “allow me”, even more sensation came up, and the more violently I cried.
Weeping is common to me during meditation. But this time, it is much stronger and long lasting. Something kept coming from inside.
“Is there anything hidden that makes me this way?” “Am I craving for something?”
During the day yesterday, it was a all day 8-5 training away from work, talking about something that I feel really easy. Is this a wrong fit and forcefulness on myself, that’s why I had to release the stress?
I had a coffee in the morning and a tea in the afternoon. Is it making me sharper? But I have had days like this too.
This morning I woke up really early, but refresh. It is one of those days when I get up really early to meditate, feeling totally centered, alert.
There would be a tune already playing in me and I would not need to turn on music. It is from within.

Another weeping 030310

Last night before bed, I did the chakra, and then imagining golden oil from the crown. It didn’t go as quick as yesterday. But right away, I still had the weeping impulses. Then it just felt disconnected again.
I sat for a while, trying different things: am I pretending anything? Am I resisting anything? Am I doing anything? Let me. Allow this….
Still didn’t feel connected.
Finally, I asked myself so why don’t you just get into it. What are you waiting for….
I started to feel this sensation in the belly, the solar plexus.
It is clearly a soreness kind of sensation. It just felt like I wanted to cry. My facial muscle started to get tense. I tensed up my facial muscle and burst into tears. I beg myself to please just do this. Just let out…..I was like "I am begging you. Please….."
I felt the crying can’t stop. I went up to bed, then the crying get worse. I talked into my recorder. I was sobbing all the way through. So intense. So emotional. It was just surreal.

It dawn on me that maybe it’s because I am away from my usual routine and I am more free spirited. I don’t have a usual role to play. I am more like a no body. So the emotion is more free to flow.

I am just shocked that I can have such a powerful impact on myself, by not doing anything. It is really magical.

Benefit of meditation

Brain images show that there is a decreased activity in the parietal lobe. This area of the brain is responsible for giving us a sense of our orientation in space and time. Blocking all sensory and cognitive input into this area during meditation results in the sense of no space and no time. (This is why we feel there is no space and time during meditation.)

A study found that people who had been meditating for more than five years were physiologically 12 to 15 years younger than non-meditators.

Meditation decreases oxygen consumption, heart rate, respiratory rate, and blood pressure, and increase the intensity of alpha, theta, and delta brain waves--the opposite of the physiological changes that occur during stress.

Improved mental abilities: Increased intelligence, increased creativity, improved learning ability, improved memory, improved reaction time, higher levels of moral reasoning, improved academic achievement, greater orderliness of brain functioning, increased self-actualization.

Improved Health: Reduced stress and anxiety, reduced hospitalization, reduced incidence of disease, reduced need for out-patient medical care, reduced health care costs, reduce use of alcohol and drugs, improved cardiovascular health, reduced physical complaints, increased longevity Improved social behavior: improved self-confidence, reduced anxiety, improved family life, improved relationships at home and at work, increased tolerance, improved job performance, increased job satisfaction

Meditation found to increase brain size---Researchers at Harvard, Yale, and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have found the first evidence that meditation can alter the physical structure of our brains. Brain scans they conducted reveal that experienced meditators boasted increased thickness in parts of the brain that deal with attention and processing sensory input.The increased thickness of gray matter is not very much, 4 to 8 thousandths of an inch. "These increases are proportional to the time a person has been meditating during their lives," Lazar notes. "This suggests that the thickness differences are acquired through extensive practice and not simply due to differences between meditators and nonmeditators

Meditation build up the brain Meditation may bolster brain activity ---Buddhist monks who spent years in meditation training show significantly greater brain activity in areas associated with learning and happiness than those who have never practiced meditation. They had a higher level of this sort of gamma wave activity before they began meditation and this difference increased dramatically during meditation. The extremely high levels of gamma wave activity are the highest ever reported.

Buddhists really are happier.

Meditation balance the body's system ---Meditation produces long-lasting changes in the brain activity in areas involved in attention, working memory, learning, and conscious perception

Research on stress and meditation Meditator's brain shows a pronounced shift toward the left frontal lobe. People who are habitually calm an happy typical show greater activity in this area. Meditator has higher levels of certain immune cells.

Meditation is involved in the global coordination of brain activity and could induce both short-term and long-term change in the brain. Long term meditation practice changes the baseline state of the brain.

Meditation is shown to reduce risk factors for heart disease such as high blood pressure, stress and smoking. Comparing with other techniques, the Transcendental meditation group had a 23% decrease in deaths from all causes, a 30% reduction in cardiovascular disease deaths, and a 49% reduction in the rate of death from cancer During meditation, the monks in the study was able to raise the temperature of their fingers and toes by 17 degrees, three monks could lower their metabolism by 64%

Meditators over 6-9 months showed a marked decrease in the thickness of their artery walls.

The natural progression of enery work

Some phenomenon have puzzled me for a while:

1. When I heavily did meditation that lasted for over an hour a couple of years ago, my OBE and lucid dreams were not as frequent.

2. My OBE and lucid dreams is most frequent when I do chakra work plus meditation.

3. Ever since I started doing Yoga regularly a year ago, I found that the frequency of my OBE and lucid dreaming reduced.

4. Then I really really crave to go into nature and to walk in the woods. I have started the natural walk every weekend. Strangely, my recurrent dream of a hiking trails stop. In the dream, the hiking trails form a folk with one trail joins the other. This is exactly the case with the hiking place I go to every weekend now. It is as if I am having pre-cognitive dream.

The progression from doing meditation, to craving for learning to do chakra work, to craving for doing yoga, and then to nature walk, is not something I can control. It happened naturally from within. I would be meditating or going about my daily routines, and then feel like doing some difficult yoga posts. And now, I have to go into nature every chance I get. There is no substitution.

I decided that the adding of yoga and nature walk are something that my body tells me it needs and I just went with it. Although OBE is reduced a bit, maybe that's not a bad thing. :D

021310 twilight zone?

2/13/10

I just finished hosting a luncheon where 4 legislators came to speak. It was quiet an experience for me and for my program.

Next week I am going to facilitate a workshop in a citywide event.

A lot is going on at work, I am also recovering from a cold, feeling like no time mindful to be in touch with my inner self for a while.

Last night I seemed to come to a place with a few others. It is a big field, but also with hills. I have forgot most of the details. But there definitely something strange about things and people around me. I remember that these others were on track following a guide high on the top of the hill. I was on that top originally and was walking along. Then I was at the bottom of the hill and was instructed by another guide to climb onto a net, in order to get on the track where others are proceeding toward somewhere.

At one point, the guide was either correcting or instructing me how to throw something or hit a target.

At the end, I was walking in the field with another mate there. I was expressing to this person this place feels strange. All of a sudden a thought appeared and I burst out to say "this probably is the twilight zone." The person seemed to agree but didnt's say anything. Then I either woke up or forgot what happened next.

Is there needs and wants after awakening

I really like this part about Buddhist Lama sobbing. Yes, as long as we have this body, we are going to have needs. We will get hungry, sleepy. When we are tired, we will be less patient. We definitely are still subject to our bodily needs.

Sobbing means there are still things about this friend's passing this Buddhist Lama need to process or release. These are old feeling and emotions that have accumulated over time. The more we process and release, the less it has effect on us.

Like you said, after awakening, we just need to deal with these needs, wants, emotions, sensation with a clear consciousness and compassion.The difference is this time around, when we get our needs met, we also are more conscious about our action and intent, not to cause even more complex emotions or struggle within ourselves.

For example, we will not take advantage of others to get our needs met, becausee doing that we be against of who we really are and will only lead to even more conflicts within ourselves, which we know better not to do.

So yes, there are still needs and wants after awakening, but with more and more process and release, they get less and simplier over time, because of conscious choices and decisions we make while we process and release them.

Life reviewing

I have found myself looking back to my life so far quite often, ever since the spiritual path first time.

Often when I look at all the people, all the stories, all the places and things, the feeling that comes to me is awe, amazement, fascination, and then gratitude and love.

The journey has certainly not been all pretty and fun, or a walk in the garden. Besides all the triumph, beauty, enjoyment, there were also failure, heartbreak, hardship, pain, illness...

However, up to this point when I look back, all just turn into a totality of warmth, wonder, and awe.

How did I get to this point? Do I deserve this? Why do I get to feel this way?

I realize all the tiny decisions I have made in every single moment in my life have brought me to this point, one thing leading to the next, one after the other. My life has been heading to a direction of good, with a snow ball effect.

Maybe it's this strong inner energy, good energy, that all the good things in life get to manifest. Something inner is connecting with the external world and is making all come together. Something is making the wonders.

old post--angel in the crown

This post is from May, 2009

Does anyone know what it means to have an angel in my crown chakra in the aura image? I went to take a aura photo and there is something like a flowery opening on my crown. The person told me that's an angel! I asked if it is true that everyone has the angel in their crown there. She said definitely not or not visible in the photo. ???

My first reaction when I saw the photo I thought maybe that's the opening of the crown. But that psychic showed me another photo she took on another person earlier that day in that psychic fair. This person not only has the flowery thing on her crown, she also has what looks like a pair of wing sticking out from her back, at least that's what that psychic told me.She said I am not like her yet, but she said I am still relatively young and getting there, and that person has done so much work in this life time.So it really sounds like the presence of an angel, not just the opening of the crown?? ??? ???Maybe it's our guardian angels that everyone has!.... :sun: It's exciting to know that we all of these angels with us. We just need to work on having more clear connection with them! I think I can see the wings shaping in my photo too. Hope they are forming.

I emailed that psychic that did my aura photo to ask what it means to have angel in the crown. She said it usually means that there is the angelic energy with the person, and that the person is loved and protected by this angel. Sometimes the energy also comes with a message.It is so good to see an angel with us in the photo :sun:

Old post--What's the meaning of a violent death

This post is from one year ago. I really wanted to save this post.

Today on the way to a meeting, I head a popping sound and looked over. I saw a few seagulls going for a pile of food left in the middle of the street and one of them got ran over by a car.

When I approached it, I saw his gut hanging out.The bird was still quite alive. I was in a hurry to the meeting, but I found myself couldn't walk away further. I just had to stay with the seagull. My heart was crying and felt really sad. A guy was across the street, looking at the bird as well. I walked up to him and said we should call animal shelter to pick up the bird. He said he just did. I said do you have a plastic bag, maybe we can move him out of the street so he would not be ran over again. He went in to a YMCA building to look for a bag, while I stood on the street to guard the bird.

The bird was still alive, but I can see that he was struggling. After about five minutes, I saw him painfully turned his neck around a few times and waved his wings a few times and stopped moving. The guy came out with a bag but I said the bird passed out. The bag is too small for the bird. Another five minutes later, another guy put out a trash can next to the bird, so cars would not run him over again. Then a publicwork guy came to pick up his body. We told him we already called the animal shelter. The guy said they will call public work anyway when they pick it up. So the bird went into the trash truck.

I was just traumatized, seeing the last moment of this magnificent bird. I just couldn't contend myself. Why does death have to be so painful and crude? I can't stand anything going through that type of pain and horror. I wish I could do something to change what happened to that bird. But nobody can! All I could do is to stand there to be with that bird.

God probably want death to be that way sometimes so that it inspire compassion in people. What else can I tell myself so that I won't be so sad. I know that this will affect me very much for a while. I am traumatized!! Could someone please help?

Inner self and OBE--distinctions and similarities

I have thought about the distinction between Eckhart Tolle's path and the OBE path. My experiences are as following:

There is a split point where the two path separates.

The similarity is that you need inner energy to achieve either paths. You need to decided which route to go down to, using the energy you come up with.

The fastest route to get into it, whether it's innerself, or OBE, is to immediately make yourself into two parts, or two "I". Don't think about what they are, just feel them. But one of them will be the observer.

Stay that way and sustain it. It takes a while to settle down, but you will settle down to that stillness.

In Eckhart's path, once we are in the stillness, in order to sustain it, we need to process many layers of our sensations and emotions, which includes alot of deep thoughts and existances. The results of such process is the true forgiveness and self love and universal love.

In OBE attempt, this observing part of "I" will grow stronger and into trance, but you need to stay very still, as if your another part of "I" disappear. I have found that then I might past out for a few seconds or a few minutes, then another level of consciousness appears. In OBE, it's not only physical. The consciousness level is another key factor. Once we get into OBE or astral realm, we will encounter scenes and beings that play out in the realm which responds to our thoughts and emotions. In this path, we process our existance in a movie like setting and we are the characters. There will be learning expereinces along the way. Beings and guides will appear to guide us. The end result will also be spiritual growth and self love and universal love.

I have found that the OBE and lucid dreaming certainly contribute to my confidence and well being in real life as well. These experiences certainly make me more open minded, aware, sensitive, observant, connected, and strong on my spiritual growth. I know myself and love myself even more.

The steps to weeping

Today during yoga, I noticed that the sensation to weep came over me either when I became totally relaxed, to the extent where I didn't know I can be that relaxed, or when I turn to letting go of the tension in my body and become forgiving and loving to my body and myself.

The beautiful feeling brings me to tears

Then I would feel as if an engine starts in my body and I start to weep, shaking and pushing from inside.

Tears come pouring out.

01/24/10 false awakening

1/24/10

This late afternoon during nap, I had a false awakening.

I became aware of myself lying on the bed, but still felt very sleepy. A woman came to the bedside to talk to me. She felt like my grandma (deceased) or relative. I don't remember what she said. We chatted quite a bit and she wanted me to go somewhere or do something. Then she left.

I continued to lay in bed and very aware of how I felt in my body. The comforter felt very comfortable. I was thinking that later I was going to watch Nature on PBS, but it never occurred to me that I was supposed to do yoga which I usually do in late afternoon.

When I woke up, I was surprised to find the real surrounding of the room, because the room I was in was apparently different, but felt very familiar like another home. The comforter was also different.

romantic love toward self--our original state or peak experience?

I was busy at work organizing a resource fair and now it just finished. So I start to unwind a bit during the long weekend.

Usually after unwinding bit, the familiar calm and peace come back, the original state deep down starts to surface.

It feels like romantic love. Everything feels great and beautiful, only it's toward myself and anything about myself. I admire myself. I silently call my own name as if calling a lover. I smile at myself internally. In dreams, everyone admires me and I know I am different. In reality, people also notice.

Some call it peak experience. I see it as our original state.

Although I have been in that place time and time again and know what it is like, I can still lose the connection with it when work gets busy.

I found that needs and wants cause me to look to the future, look to things that happened and then go back and forth, creating a blocking to the connection with my inner self. Impluses to act and mind plotting and chatering are in the way of the connection.

When inner self is not present, the ego take over and operates on needs and wants, in orer to play a role that the mind wants it to be.

"This emotional life" on PBS is a lump sum of everything emotional well being. One thing mentioned in that is that zebra doesn't stay stressed after being chased by a lion. Once escaping its death, there is some action to come out of a freeze response, and its stress hormone goes back to normal again. In human, sometimes we stay stressed even after the stressor no longer exists but don't know how to turn it off. This is the cause of stress and-- physical illness.

SO why do we have needs and wants? After awakening, is there needs and wants?

My experience is that when we are strongly connected with our inner energy, the strength is so strong that we don't feel lacking. Anything just comes off as physical sensation and nothing more.

If we are hungry, we feed ourselves with some food. If we are tired, we rest. Just like what a zebra would do. If someone else rub our food, we protest and stand up for ourselves.

It is the interpretation toward these sensation that differentiate us from zebra. Once everything is over, we still keep the whole thing in our head and play it over and over, or to plot our next step. The mind activity not only takes our emotions on a roller coaster ride, it also stirs up phyiscal sensation and stress response. Sometimes it doesn't get turned off for days.

That's why the saying "Be careful of what we wish for." When finding us too attached to a certain target, ask why. Whether it's the credit of the job well done, a person, or even the calm inside. Why do I need it?

Feel how it feels like as if we don't have it.

Even getting too attached to the calm inside can takes us away from it, because once we get busy, we resent the fact that we are not in that calm state.

How does this thing matter when I am on my death bed? The moment we leave this world, there is nothing we can take away with us. We come alone and we leave alone.

But in fact, this calm can follow us if we are aware of it. This is the only thing that comes with us and will follow us when we leave.