Have been focusing on school work-- in an intensive certificate program every friday on nonprofit management. Have also just organized and hosted a big new year event with legislators, community partners, client families and children. It quite a success.
During this busy time, my mind is constantly occupied--- assignment due, one more detail to make the event more perfect, one more reminder for the staff, one more look at the project before it being turned in....in between, I found myself watch a lot more tv--- to occupy myself until the next busy moment. I put up with myself being pretentious, defensive, and stressed. This is totally not what I would conduct daily routines. The certificate program ends in June. At work, it is as busy as ever.
I seem to be waiting for it to end in June, so that I will be totally free again. For now, I have been just constantly looking outwards.
I have found similar waiting in meditation as well--sitting a mediocre session, because there is always next time, tomorrow. I will just be busy with some of my thoughts for now. I will just sit a mediocre session for now.
Once I say "I know that place," my whole body will just take me there. However, it takes willingness and truthfulness--willing to stop the additive mind chattering and emotional high and low, willing to be in that place of stepping back and non-participating. There is a moment of defence and denial. And then slowly, truth shines through. Without willingness and truthfulness,it will be back and forth battles.
And then, it hits me--the next time will just be like this time, tomorrow will just be like today...Why not get to it this time? Why not get to it at this moment? What's wrong with this moment?
This self inquiry breaks through the layers and the truth always shines right through. A moment in non-truth is a moment wasted. Truth can be had right now, no waiting is required. You always know when you are with the truth--your body knows, and you know.
