I found the A&E series "OCD" and "Hoarder" to be the depiction of the same behavior--- people in the show hoard stuff; we one the other hand, are obsessive compulsive thinkers and hoarders of thoughts, emotions, and memories.
The people in the show engage in all kinds of compulsive behaviors--checking stove 30 times before finally go out of the door, making right turns of their body 20 times before going to work, kissing their dogs exactly 12 times after coming home....
Hoarders bring in all kinds of stuff into their home, until the home turn into a trash pit. Most of the things they hoard are of sentimental values. Some hoard things to prepare for possible future use. Some just do not know how to make decision when it is time to get rid of things. So they delay making decisions and let the pile grow and grow until it gets out of control.
Most of them know this is not a normal behavior and would love to change. But they found any change to be very difficult.
So despite the motivation to stop, they just keep on doing it years and years and years.
I found this to be what we all are doing with our thoughts, memory, and emotions.
We all are compulsive with our thoughts, emotions, and memories.
We get so attached and used to all these behavior that although we know it might be good if we could clear up a little of space in ourselves, we don't know how to do it anymore.
So we just keep going and let thoughts, emotions, and memories clutter up the space in us. When we try to clean up, we even resist letting go. But at the same time, we also feel upset about why we had hoarded so many "stuff" in us.
We don't like to get organized of these stuff in us one by one, because we don't like to face that humongus pile and have to make hard decisions. So we let it go on.
The more we turn our head away, the bigger the pile grow.
What if this pile can somehow disappear so that we can have all the space in us back?
Monday, November 30, 2009
The discovery of self love and God's love in the core
At the point where "I" and "this" are the same, it's not yet the sense of love.
In other words, even when we experience that "I" is "being", we don't necessarily experience "love" yet.
But at the height of this point, it does feel like everything just dissolve away. We feel really great after a while.
This is the time when you are left with your thoughts. Any thoughts that pop up can affect this state. If there is no thoughts, you can certainly go on like this for a long time. But thoughts, doubts, resistance, discomforts just pop up to interrupt. It goes like this: stillness---thoughts---doubts--stillness----resistance---stillness---thoughts---stillness.
We go through these and repeat these over and over again.
If we haven't quit, in a while, a part of us starts to see the uselessness of such activities. We start to feel that such repetition is not getting us anywhere, so why are we going around and around? We really deserve to be in that immense place.
When we are in the empitness and stillness, our body and being are in its naturest state. We are in total relaxation. No need to pretend anything. No need to go anywhere. No need to resist anything. No need to do annything. We are just being ourselves. We really are totally being ourselves and just resting in our own being. That's like we finally find a resting place in the whole universe. We finally find our home.
We realize all the thoughts, doubts, resistance, discomforts really just take us away from our resting place and get us edgy and uneasy. The one that is doing this is actually non other than ourselves. Although we say accept it, allow it, when we see it going around and around, we start to know we are not making a good choice for ourselves. We deserve to be in that resting place. But we somehow just engage in this nonstop going around.
At some point it will occur to us that we are not taking care of ourselves. We are treating ourselves very badly with all these waves and waves of thoughts, emotions, memories.....taking us nowhere but drain our energy and taking us away from our resting place, our pure being.
It is very important to point out that this is not an intellectual understanding. You need to really experience the whole thing with your being, with who you are. If there is any pretending, impatience, doubts, any trace outside of now, you will not experience it. You need to be in total focus and drive, with your inner energy and being.
Once we reach this point, all of a sudden, we feel this overwhelming self love. It turns out that in the first time in our life, we truly understand and experience the purest self love that no one else can give to us, no one can teach us how to get here. We are totally free and there is no boundary.
And at the hight of this understanding and experience, we will also truly know and experience that this self love is exactly what God's love is. At the core of our pure being is what God is.
This realization will be the ultimate peak experience that you know you have achieve the oneness with yourself and with God. This is what the universe is about. This impact is so strong and life changing that it will follow you into life and everything is magical, powerful, and full of God's will and love.
In other words, even when we experience that "I" is "being", we don't necessarily experience "love" yet.
But at the height of this point, it does feel like everything just dissolve away. We feel really great after a while.
This is the time when you are left with your thoughts. Any thoughts that pop up can affect this state. If there is no thoughts, you can certainly go on like this for a long time. But thoughts, doubts, resistance, discomforts just pop up to interrupt. It goes like this: stillness---thoughts---doubts--stillness----resistance---stillness---thoughts---stillness.
We go through these and repeat these over and over again.
If we haven't quit, in a while, a part of us starts to see the uselessness of such activities. We start to feel that such repetition is not getting us anywhere, so why are we going around and around? We really deserve to be in that immense place.
When we are in the empitness and stillness, our body and being are in its naturest state. We are in total relaxation. No need to pretend anything. No need to go anywhere. No need to resist anything. No need to do annything. We are just being ourselves. We really are totally being ourselves and just resting in our own being. That's like we finally find a resting place in the whole universe. We finally find our home.
We realize all the thoughts, doubts, resistance, discomforts really just take us away from our resting place and get us edgy and uneasy. The one that is doing this is actually non other than ourselves. Although we say accept it, allow it, when we see it going around and around, we start to know we are not making a good choice for ourselves. We deserve to be in that resting place. But we somehow just engage in this nonstop going around.
At some point it will occur to us that we are not taking care of ourselves. We are treating ourselves very badly with all these waves and waves of thoughts, emotions, memories.....taking us nowhere but drain our energy and taking us away from our resting place, our pure being.
It is very important to point out that this is not an intellectual understanding. You need to really experience the whole thing with your being, with who you are. If there is any pretending, impatience, doubts, any trace outside of now, you will not experience it. You need to be in total focus and drive, with your inner energy and being.
Once we reach this point, all of a sudden, we feel this overwhelming self love. It turns out that in the first time in our life, we truly understand and experience the purest self love that no one else can give to us, no one can teach us how to get here. We are totally free and there is no boundary.
And at the hight of this understanding and experience, we will also truly know and experience that this self love is exactly what God's love is. At the core of our pure being is what God is.
This realization will be the ultimate peak experience that you know you have achieve the oneness with yourself and with God. This is what the universe is about. This impact is so strong and life changing that it will follow you into life and everything is magical, powerful, and full of God's will and love.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Kundalini is not all pretty and fun
The energy that comes with the inner waking is not all pretty and fun though. The activation of kundunlini is known for its potentially dangerous side effects. I did get ill for a while one year after the impact. The illness runs in the family but the abuse I put on myself (bad relationsips) and the sudden energy surge all were the causes. This is one of the reasons that I reduced the intense meditation at that time.
But the illness is a payback my body asked for due to years of damage from being in bad relationships and from my own unreasonably high expectation for myself. This is something that had to run its course. I treated it and then moved on with renewed good health.
It is a good idea to pace the process of awakening. If too speedy and intense, our physical body might not be able to handle the sudden impact and change from the strong surge of energy in the body.
In my case, the process took place very fast and there was nothing I could do to stop. It had to be that intense. I needed that speed pushed by my urge to connect, but it's at the expense of what my body could handle after a while.
But the illness is a payback my body asked for due to years of damage from being in bad relationships and from my own unreasonably high expectation for myself. This is something that had to run its course. I treated it and then moved on with renewed good health.
It is a good idea to pace the process of awakening. If too speedy and intense, our physical body might not be able to handle the sudden impact and change from the strong surge of energy in the body.
In my case, the process took place very fast and there was nothing I could do to stop. It had to be that intense. I needed that speed pushed by my urge to connect, but it's at the expense of what my body could handle after a while.
"I" becomes "this".
The rocking and swaying will stop quickly once the inward flowing gets going. You just feel you want to stay that way, as if you are surfing the waves and taking the ride. You are sucked inward but are balanced in a way that you feel great doing it.
At this point, whether or not there are two "I" doesn't seem to matter anymore. There is a watcher that seems to be able to affect what he does. He can see whatever his consciousness is doing. He can see it in energy form. The consciousness creates the energy and the movement of the energy, that's dancing in front of him. So at this point, it is really a kind of active doing that's taking place.
The mantra switches automatically from "let me" to "let this." "I" becomes "this".
I used floatation tank just once a few weeks ago and the sensory dissolving state is similar to this point. The senses all seems to fade away, only awareness remains.
But when you go back to daily life, your senses sharpen like ten times.
At this point, whether or not there are two "I" doesn't seem to matter anymore. There is a watcher that seems to be able to affect what he does. He can see whatever his consciousness is doing. He can see it in energy form. The consciousness creates the energy and the movement of the energy, that's dancing in front of him. So at this point, it is really a kind of active doing that's taking place.
The mantra switches automatically from "let me" to "let this." "I" becomes "this".
I used floatation tank just once a few weeks ago and the sensory dissolving state is similar to this point. The senses all seems to fade away, only awareness remains.
But when you go back to daily life, your senses sharpen like ten times.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
The road to OBE and the road to inner core
I have found one thing that works very well and important on both paths: the separation of two bodies, or two "I"
In OBE attempt, the first step is to try to relax and activate the energy body. So that we can separate.
In meditation, we should also bypass all techniques and methods, and just go right into "noticing" the subtle energy inside of us, our energy body. Just sit very still and see what comes up from inside. Don't tell yourself what to do at all. Just notice. Just feel. I keep saying "let me" 'let me". In a while, I start feel there are two parts of me, one is the doer, the other is the observer.
Once the separation completes, this is the point when my body starts to rock or sway. It will go on for a few minutes. Then comes the stillness. This is when I am left with my own awareness. There are deeper points to go after this in meditation. Self inquiry will take me deeper. Continue to say "let me" "allow this" if uncomfortable, say "admit this." When okay, just see what you really want to do or see what comes up.
So after separation, in OBE, we go somewhere else for more variety of experiences, not only what plays out in our own consciousness, but also in the astral. This further stirs up more mind activities, emotions, memories, and reaction. We are left to deal with these, in new astral forms. Eventually we will have to come to the realization of our own pure awareness.
In meditation, after separation, we go inward into emptiness to explore what "I" really means. First admit and let all issues come up, dealing with them one by one, and finally come to our pure self in the core.
In OBE attempt, the first step is to try to relax and activate the energy body. So that we can separate.
In meditation, we should also bypass all techniques and methods, and just go right into "noticing" the subtle energy inside of us, our energy body. Just sit very still and see what comes up from inside. Don't tell yourself what to do at all. Just notice. Just feel. I keep saying "let me" 'let me". In a while, I start feel there are two parts of me, one is the doer, the other is the observer.
Once the separation completes, this is the point when my body starts to rock or sway. It will go on for a few minutes. Then comes the stillness. This is when I am left with my own awareness. There are deeper points to go after this in meditation. Self inquiry will take me deeper. Continue to say "let me" "allow this" if uncomfortable, say "admit this." When okay, just see what you really want to do or see what comes up.
So after separation, in OBE, we go somewhere else for more variety of experiences, not only what plays out in our own consciousness, but also in the astral. This further stirs up more mind activities, emotions, memories, and reaction. We are left to deal with these, in new astral forms. Eventually we will have to come to the realization of our own pure awareness.
In meditation, after separation, we go inward into emptiness to explore what "I" really means. First admit and let all issues come up, dealing with them one by one, and finally come to our pure self in the core.
Friday, November 27, 2009
What does "doing nothing" mean--in meditation and in life
From what I experienced, I would try to compare how to "do nothing" in meditation, and in real life.
Doing nothing in meditation doesn't mean sitting there without any proactive direction to go, otherwise for many of us, we would fall asleep. Although we are supposed to "just be," what we are really doing is to "notice", to "observe", what is inside of us, not outside.
But there is a balance between just "notice" and painfully "searching." If we search too hard, our physical body isn't truly relaxed, and the energy body can't show.
Go inward and just notice. In a while, we will notice there is something that starts to come out subtly. We just allow it to happen. This is our energy body. This is our inner energy, that will connect us with our inner self.
Doing nothing in real life is to just feel what's from this inner self and act on it. Often time we will notice the only way we can keep the connection with inner self is to intensely focus on the now.
When we have strong inner energy, staying in the now is automatic and effortless, feeling like we are not even doing anything, when we really are still doing something.
So behind this doing nothing, there is the important direction of inner energy. Without the unfolding of our inner energy, would any people on the street just all of a sudden know how to end their own suffering by doing nothing?
I would say this is possible, because when we are really doing nothing and totally relax the physical body, this is when our energy body is likely to come out. But before this happens, there are a lot of things to bypass first: body sensation, emotions, thoughts, and memory.
Doing nothing in meditation doesn't mean sitting there without any proactive direction to go, otherwise for many of us, we would fall asleep. Although we are supposed to "just be," what we are really doing is to "notice", to "observe", what is inside of us, not outside.
But there is a balance between just "notice" and painfully "searching." If we search too hard, our physical body isn't truly relaxed, and the energy body can't show.
Go inward and just notice. In a while, we will notice there is something that starts to come out subtly. We just allow it to happen. This is our energy body. This is our inner energy, that will connect us with our inner self.
Doing nothing in real life is to just feel what's from this inner self and act on it. Often time we will notice the only way we can keep the connection with inner self is to intensely focus on the now.
When we have strong inner energy, staying in the now is automatic and effortless, feeling like we are not even doing anything, when we really are still doing something.
So behind this doing nothing, there is the important direction of inner energy. Without the unfolding of our inner energy, would any people on the street just all of a sudden know how to end their own suffering by doing nothing?
I would say this is possible, because when we are really doing nothing and totally relax the physical body, this is when our energy body is likely to come out. But before this happens, there are a lot of things to bypass first: body sensation, emotions, thoughts, and memory.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
What to do when stuck
I usually do inquiry as a way to focus in the inner world during meditation. If I hit a point of doubt, boredom, resistence, I simply switch my mantra to "admit this" " Admit everything" " Am I resisting anything?" "Am I pretending anything?"
Once I admit that I am being uncomfortable, once I admit whatever state I am in, the admitting sets me free. I then go on deeper and deeper, until I get connect with the full blown inner energy.
At this point, nothing from outside or from my body can distract me from my focus. No thoughts or emotions would come up. They have have been, but I am being so connected with the inner energy that it takes care of anything else.
That's why how badly you want to connect with this inner self and how focused you are have a big impact of the result. It can weed out any distractions from outside or within.
When inner energy is strong enough, none of the distraction would even appear out of you.
Once I admit that I am being uncomfortable, once I admit whatever state I am in, the admitting sets me free. I then go on deeper and deeper, until I get connect with the full blown inner energy.
At this point, nothing from outside or from my body can distract me from my focus. No thoughts or emotions would come up. They have have been, but I am being so connected with the inner energy that it takes care of anything else.
That's why how badly you want to connect with this inner self and how focused you are have a big impact of the result. It can weed out any distractions from outside or within.
When inner energy is strong enough, none of the distraction would even appear out of you.
Other's story inspire us. We still need to wake up from our own
I have found that this question relevant to the discovery of a true self. There is something about story and whether or not we are attached to a story that we create.
One thing that turned me around from my misery to awakening a few years ago was like this:
I was putting all my focus in the relationship for five miserable years. What kept me going was false hope. I kept telling myself things would get better. He just needed more time. So I kept trying, thinking what to say, what to do, thinking what he was thinking, thinking what worked for him.
I also made sure I was worthwhile so I took care of my appearance, talked a certain way, read certain magazines....I am also very strong professionally....all the right things of a desirable mate.
At the time, I was new in this country. Family and friends were half globe away. Besides work, I spent the rest of my time by myself. Then he came along and became the center of my universe. I still spent a lot of time alone. During holidays, when people BBQing, have family dinner, go on family trips...I was all by myself. He would be the one that take me out of my lonely life. I just had to succeed in this. I was just head over heel about him.
In 1999, my home country suffered a strong earthquake in which five thousand people perished and the house where my parents and my brother lived was half destroyed. In 2000, after the hardship of rebuilding and starting new, my father passed away. I felt a big part of me being taken away and was now even more alone in this world.
After five years of trying too hard, completely put myself in there, and high hope, finally I was simply told that he had moved in with another girl. What? I still had so much to prove to him and I thought things were going well.....
And I realized that there is nothing more I can try or do.
All of a sudden, time seemed stopped. It felt as if I was in a bubble, a bubble of misery that would not go away. All of a sudden I lost all of my joy, all drama, all hopes, and all of my self-identity, It was death. I was so busy trying so many things all the time for so many years. But now there was nothing more I could do. I stopped doing anything. I was left with nothing to do, but a broken heart.
I still remember the dread that came with the daybreak every morning. I would think to myself: "another daybreak without him", and then tremendous sadness, pain, anger, shame would come over me. Although I managed to still go to work and put on a strong face, deep inside I was weeping, broken-hearted. and screaming for help.
Before the final straw, I had already been miserable for 6 months when I started to see things going bad. This is a long suffering that lasted another 6 months after it ended.
I have always had very difficult time breaking up with relationships. This time was particularly hard because I had no one to turn to but myself in this brand new country. I had nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. I was left to no one but myself to face this crisis.
One day, while I was on the floor mourning the loss, crying, agonizing, it occurred to me that only he and I were the only ones that these stories matter. All those sweet memory, all the drama, and all the struggles we went through. What a life. And how strange it is now that all of a sudden, it all went away.
In this total misery and despair, there seems to be two different aspects. (I tried many times to write this part, but this is not easy to explain)
The first thing is the process of surrendering. I had given my all. I had nothing more I can do. I could go no further. I gave up. I am just a complete failure. It’s time to give up. I have tried so hard. I have done everything I could have done. There was nothing more I can do. I just need to stop kicking, screaming, or brainstorming to get him back. It was the false hope that kept me so busy for so many years that got me into this deep despair.My logical mind knew that this is the end, but my whole body and emotion and being were still kicking and screaming, dreading to face the hard times ahead. I had to gather all my broken pieces, with a broken me who can hardly go on in my own existance one more day. Even with the willingness of acceptance, I am still suffering. Something else is still hanging on.
Then came the second aspect. I asked myself: " This is just total hell. Why would you latch on to hell and can't let go? He doesn't even want you. So what still keep you in this struggle?" Then I realized that it is the shame, the shame for all the effort I had put in, the shame for the hope that maybe I can try one more time and he and I will be talking again, the shame that my identity had now totally lost, the shame that my five years of hopeful story has just ended, the shame that this sticky attachment, although so painful, yet making up of my whole being, would now need to be destroyed. There needs to be the process of detachment, so that I can totally accept and surrender.
I was willing to accept most of the facts---that there is no more things I can do even though I still have so many things I wanted to prove to him, that my worst nightmare had just happened to me, that I am now totally alone, and that I am a unloved, unwanted failure. I realized that the last aspect making me going toward total surrendering was the realization that because no one in the wold wild world (this part is so hard to put to words, yet this is the biggest power that propel me to total acceptance) even care or know about this story, and he certainly does not care, I would be the only person facing this story. Now I look back. This is the detachment that made me realize that I actually have the power, and only I have the power, to change the whole thing. It is all in me, but no one else.
That would mean that I can decide how these stories matter. I can make it miserable or I can make it a past memory. I can just be an observer.
This realization is the turning point. From that moment on, I could feel that the tense dread in my body went away, along with the attachment, what ifs, false hope, struggles, stories, and self-identity. I had been resisting the loss. But once I detach my identity and my story, I came to the start of total surrendering.
This is not only intellectual or logical understanding though. This surrendering goes deeper inside of all aspect of myself. How this goes from intellectual understanding into deeper emotional, spiritual, and soul level is a mystery. I do not know how to explain it, but I felt this realization flooding all over my body.
It was a painful, scary, and lonely process of death—extremely painful, very slow, as if being stripping off layers and layers of skins. There were a lot of weeping, memory flash backs, relapses and resistance of false hopes, anger, grief, regrets, shame, pain, forgiveness, doubt…. All these went in cycles and repeated again and again.
Every day in every moment, I had to keep saying to myself " I am with the truth. I am with the truth," meaning that I can only be with the reality. I can only embrace the reality, and nothing else. This affirmation gave me tremendous empowerment. I could feel that my chaotic body sensation got calmer and calmer every time I repeat the above phrase. At the same time, I also started to feel something inside my body forming and gathered in my belly area. I just longed for sitting down and get connected with it. My body felt light, and something just made me want to go inward, as if I was a fountain of water flowing into my own self in the core. Everything in life had just all died off for me. However, the inside of my body seemed to start to come alive.
The despair in this real life also made me long for another world, the spirit world where my father resides. It was comforting knowing that this miserable world is not it. There is another world with angels, gods, my father, and spirits. I taped the show “Beyond” every day and watched it on weekends. This is a show where a medium contacted the other side to give messages to their living love ones. Watching it was like a healing session to me every time.
Bedtime before falling asleep was another hard time when everything came back. I had to listen to radios to distract myself. A show that helped me tremendously was “Troubleshooter”, a show that consumers called in to complain about all kinds of problems about contractors, purchases, products, and services. The host would listen to their problems and gave advises how to go about getting back. He would even call the business or authorities trying to resolve the issues for the callers. Listening to these problem solving was so comforting and helpful to me. I am not the only one in the world having problems. Everyone has some problems. It’s also so good to hear that someone is helping others.
With each passing day, the light seemed to be a little brighter and me a little lighter inside and out.
I walked around with this substance in my belly for two months, until finally I sat down to start my intense daily meditation, and then the discovery and the connecting of the inner self.
Story is just story. Story is not us. Often times, we are so into the role playing that we believe the role, relationship, and stories is the totality of us. They define our emotions, feelings, identity, until we forget about who we really are inside. This attachment fools us into thinking, act, believe as if this is all there is. Our inner self is buried deep within, beneath all these attachment.
Our story matter to us in that we need to be the observer of our stories, and not be in it, and not to be attached to it.
Stories dress us up. Without the layers of dresses/stories, what’s the difference between you and me? Without the layers of dresses/stories, what’s the difference b/t me and my cat? Why do we need other’s stories to wake us?
Other’s story inspire us, but we still need to wake up from our own.
One thing that turned me around from my misery to awakening a few years ago was like this:
I was putting all my focus in the relationship for five miserable years. What kept me going was false hope. I kept telling myself things would get better. He just needed more time. So I kept trying, thinking what to say, what to do, thinking what he was thinking, thinking what worked for him.
I also made sure I was worthwhile so I took care of my appearance, talked a certain way, read certain magazines....I am also very strong professionally....all the right things of a desirable mate.
At the time, I was new in this country. Family and friends were half globe away. Besides work, I spent the rest of my time by myself. Then he came along and became the center of my universe. I still spent a lot of time alone. During holidays, when people BBQing, have family dinner, go on family trips...I was all by myself. He would be the one that take me out of my lonely life. I just had to succeed in this. I was just head over heel about him.
In 1999, my home country suffered a strong earthquake in which five thousand people perished and the house where my parents and my brother lived was half destroyed. In 2000, after the hardship of rebuilding and starting new, my father passed away. I felt a big part of me being taken away and was now even more alone in this world.
After five years of trying too hard, completely put myself in there, and high hope, finally I was simply told that he had moved in with another girl. What? I still had so much to prove to him and I thought things were going well.....
And I realized that there is nothing more I can try or do.
All of a sudden, time seemed stopped. It felt as if I was in a bubble, a bubble of misery that would not go away. All of a sudden I lost all of my joy, all drama, all hopes, and all of my self-identity, It was death. I was so busy trying so many things all the time for so many years. But now there was nothing more I could do. I stopped doing anything. I was left with nothing to do, but a broken heart.
I still remember the dread that came with the daybreak every morning. I would think to myself: "another daybreak without him", and then tremendous sadness, pain, anger, shame would come over me. Although I managed to still go to work and put on a strong face, deep inside I was weeping, broken-hearted. and screaming for help.
Before the final straw, I had already been miserable for 6 months when I started to see things going bad. This is a long suffering that lasted another 6 months after it ended.
I have always had very difficult time breaking up with relationships. This time was particularly hard because I had no one to turn to but myself in this brand new country. I had nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. I was left to no one but myself to face this crisis.
One day, while I was on the floor mourning the loss, crying, agonizing, it occurred to me that only he and I were the only ones that these stories matter. All those sweet memory, all the drama, and all the struggles we went through. What a life. And how strange it is now that all of a sudden, it all went away.
In this total misery and despair, there seems to be two different aspects. (I tried many times to write this part, but this is not easy to explain)
The first thing is the process of surrendering. I had given my all. I had nothing more I can do. I could go no further. I gave up. I am just a complete failure. It’s time to give up. I have tried so hard. I have done everything I could have done. There was nothing more I can do. I just need to stop kicking, screaming, or brainstorming to get him back. It was the false hope that kept me so busy for so many years that got me into this deep despair.My logical mind knew that this is the end, but my whole body and emotion and being were still kicking and screaming, dreading to face the hard times ahead. I had to gather all my broken pieces, with a broken me who can hardly go on in my own existance one more day. Even with the willingness of acceptance, I am still suffering. Something else is still hanging on.
Then came the second aspect. I asked myself: " This is just total hell. Why would you latch on to hell and can't let go? He doesn't even want you. So what still keep you in this struggle?" Then I realized that it is the shame, the shame for all the effort I had put in, the shame for the hope that maybe I can try one more time and he and I will be talking again, the shame that my identity had now totally lost, the shame that my five years of hopeful story has just ended, the shame that this sticky attachment, although so painful, yet making up of my whole being, would now need to be destroyed. There needs to be the process of detachment, so that I can totally accept and surrender.
I was willing to accept most of the facts---that there is no more things I can do even though I still have so many things I wanted to prove to him, that my worst nightmare had just happened to me, that I am now totally alone, and that I am a unloved, unwanted failure. I realized that the last aspect making me going toward total surrendering was the realization that because no one in the wold wild world (this part is so hard to put to words, yet this is the biggest power that propel me to total acceptance) even care or know about this story, and he certainly does not care, I would be the only person facing this story. Now I look back. This is the detachment that made me realize that I actually have the power, and only I have the power, to change the whole thing. It is all in me, but no one else.
That would mean that I can decide how these stories matter. I can make it miserable or I can make it a past memory. I can just be an observer.
This realization is the turning point. From that moment on, I could feel that the tense dread in my body went away, along with the attachment, what ifs, false hope, struggles, stories, and self-identity. I had been resisting the loss. But once I detach my identity and my story, I came to the start of total surrendering.
This is not only intellectual or logical understanding though. This surrendering goes deeper inside of all aspect of myself. How this goes from intellectual understanding into deeper emotional, spiritual, and soul level is a mystery. I do not know how to explain it, but I felt this realization flooding all over my body.
It was a painful, scary, and lonely process of death—extremely painful, very slow, as if being stripping off layers and layers of skins. There were a lot of weeping, memory flash backs, relapses and resistance of false hopes, anger, grief, regrets, shame, pain, forgiveness, doubt…. All these went in cycles and repeated again and again.
Every day in every moment, I had to keep saying to myself " I am with the truth. I am with the truth," meaning that I can only be with the reality. I can only embrace the reality, and nothing else. This affirmation gave me tremendous empowerment. I could feel that my chaotic body sensation got calmer and calmer every time I repeat the above phrase. At the same time, I also started to feel something inside my body forming and gathered in my belly area. I just longed for sitting down and get connected with it. My body felt light, and something just made me want to go inward, as if I was a fountain of water flowing into my own self in the core. Everything in life had just all died off for me. However, the inside of my body seemed to start to come alive.
The despair in this real life also made me long for another world, the spirit world where my father resides. It was comforting knowing that this miserable world is not it. There is another world with angels, gods, my father, and spirits. I taped the show “Beyond” every day and watched it on weekends. This is a show where a medium contacted the other side to give messages to their living love ones. Watching it was like a healing session to me every time.
Bedtime before falling asleep was another hard time when everything came back. I had to listen to radios to distract myself. A show that helped me tremendously was “Troubleshooter”, a show that consumers called in to complain about all kinds of problems about contractors, purchases, products, and services. The host would listen to their problems and gave advises how to go about getting back. He would even call the business or authorities trying to resolve the issues for the callers. Listening to these problem solving was so comforting and helpful to me. I am not the only one in the world having problems. Everyone has some problems. It’s also so good to hear that someone is helping others.
With each passing day, the light seemed to be a little brighter and me a little lighter inside and out.
I walked around with this substance in my belly for two months, until finally I sat down to start my intense daily meditation, and then the discovery and the connecting of the inner self.
Story is just story. Story is not us. Often times, we are so into the role playing that we believe the role, relationship, and stories is the totality of us. They define our emotions, feelings, identity, until we forget about who we really are inside. This attachment fools us into thinking, act, believe as if this is all there is. Our inner self is buried deep within, beneath all these attachment.
Our story matter to us in that we need to be the observer of our stories, and not be in it, and not to be attached to it.
Stories dress us up. Without the layers of dresses/stories, what’s the difference between you and me? Without the layers of dresses/stories, what’s the difference b/t me and my cat? Why do we need other’s stories to wake us?
Other’s story inspire us, but we still need to wake up from our own.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
The apprehension toward sharing spiritual expereinces--Truth has been lost in all these words
Somehow sometimes I get a bit apprehensive about sharing all these stories and experiences.
Gurus seem to be quiet about experiences. Some religions teach people not to focus on experiences and see it as a distraction to real spiritual depth.
Not knowing what to expect, I have the most amazing discovery along the way. Everything is so surprising.
Can it be that by sharing all these experiences, I am rubbing others' surprises?
Can it be that I might make others disappointed if they haven't had these variety of discoveries?
Everyone has their own pace and their own personal discoveries. I should not make them feel that this is what the course of awakening should unfold.
After searching inside myself really hard, I found that one of the biggest reason is that what I am sharing is not the whole truth.
By the use of language, I really cannot convey the whole picture of the truth. I am really just sharing what I am able to with language, through words and through my own intepretation.
While reading it and receiving it, others again has their own interpretation and filteration. They pick what they want to hear and what they think they are hearing.
Truth can only be expereinced. Truth cannot be spoken or receiving through language.
That's why I feel bad. All these words don't equal to truth.
The truth has been lost in all these words.
Gurus seem to be quiet about experiences. Some religions teach people not to focus on experiences and see it as a distraction to real spiritual depth.
Not knowing what to expect, I have the most amazing discovery along the way. Everything is so surprising.
Can it be that by sharing all these experiences, I am rubbing others' surprises?
Can it be that I might make others disappointed if they haven't had these variety of discoveries?
Everyone has their own pace and their own personal discoveries. I should not make them feel that this is what the course of awakening should unfold.
After searching inside myself really hard, I found that one of the biggest reason is that what I am sharing is not the whole truth.
By the use of language, I really cannot convey the whole picture of the truth. I am really just sharing what I am able to with language, through words and through my own intepretation.
While reading it and receiving it, others again has their own interpretation and filteration. They pick what they want to hear and what they think they are hearing.
Truth can only be expereinced. Truth cannot be spoken or receiving through language.
That's why I feel bad. All these words don't equal to truth.
The truth has been lost in all these words.
How I got off track from the first time--the idea of "I"
All along I still had the idea of “I”. When there is an “I” there is a “non-I”.
When things go well, I am good. When things don’t go well, I am in trouble. “I” still have insecurity and fear. Why I got off track after 2 years is because the insecurity for my finances at the time. So I got busy working three jobs all of a sudden. This is how I lost my focus.It’s all because there is still an “I”
I have this awakening story. I have this joy and awe. I have these experiences. I felt on top of the world. I need to find a way to survive, now and when old age. I need a good job, and important job. I need to teach college to elevate my professional status. I need to teach two colleges in case one doesn’t work out and also to keep as few people in the field as possible to lessen completion. ….I, I, I, I, I…..
I need to care for “ I” –keep the ego alive, keep the image alive, keep the idea alive.What is it like if there is no “I”I have been there in the meditation. I feel there is only “being”, no “I”.
But how do I do it outside of meditation?Accept any non-I.
Accept it when I am not having a good meditation. Accept it when I can’t relax my body to get an OBE. Admit it when I am not being a good leader. Admit it when I am being so attached to the idea of being spiritual, healthy, caring… Admit it when I am insecure of my own old age. Accept it when I am not perfect now and before and from now on…..
Accept it. Accept everything. Forgive myself when I am not perfect and when I am not spiritual. Awake to being accepting, forgiving, admitting, believing….This is "being." There is no “I”
When things go well, I am good. When things don’t go well, I am in trouble. “I” still have insecurity and fear. Why I got off track after 2 years is because the insecurity for my finances at the time. So I got busy working three jobs all of a sudden. This is how I lost my focus.It’s all because there is still an “I”
I have this awakening story. I have this joy and awe. I have these experiences. I felt on top of the world. I need to find a way to survive, now and when old age. I need a good job, and important job. I need to teach college to elevate my professional status. I need to teach two colleges in case one doesn’t work out and also to keep as few people in the field as possible to lessen completion. ….I, I, I, I, I…..
I need to care for “ I” –keep the ego alive, keep the image alive, keep the idea alive.What is it like if there is no “I”I have been there in the meditation. I feel there is only “being”, no “I”.
But how do I do it outside of meditation?Accept any non-I.
Accept it when I am not having a good meditation. Accept it when I can’t relax my body to get an OBE. Admit it when I am not being a good leader. Admit it when I am being so attached to the idea of being spiritual, healthy, caring… Admit it when I am insecure of my own old age. Accept it when I am not perfect now and before and from now on…..
Accept it. Accept everything. Forgive myself when I am not perfect and when I am not spiritual. Awake to being accepting, forgiving, admitting, believing….This is "being." There is no “I”
Between the two awakenings
2003-2005 First awakening
2005 Received permanent residency, started working more jobs
2005-2007 professional career development
2008-2009 Sharing experiences on Oprah's website, Michael Sharp website, Robert Bruce website
I knew that charka work is next thing to do, so I started the daily practice of charka work and experienced more OBEs and lucid dreaming
2009 gemstone, weekly yoga practice, Looking for sensory deprivation tank, Second Awakening
The strong energy flow that's stirred up by the gemstone caused some issue with my stomach. I felt nauseous and stomach ache for a few months. Took care of it. Nothing found by my doctor. Only needs to be more diligent for bowel movement.
I looked to try sensory deprivation tank for many months, since I know one key to get in touch with energy self is through no feedback or input from the senses. It often causes me to have OBE or energy phenomenon.
I finally tried it after 2.5 hours driving in the pouring rain to Shrusbury. Not a pleasant place where the house is small and the tank is a bit scary. I had nausea the whole time like sea sickness.
But for a few days afterwards, I advanced very rapidly in my quest back to the second awakening. Coincidence? Readiness?
2005 Received permanent residency, started working more jobs
2005-2007 professional career development
2008-2009 Sharing experiences on Oprah's website, Michael Sharp website, Robert Bruce website
I knew that charka work is next thing to do, so I started the daily practice of charka work and experienced more OBEs and lucid dreaming
2009 gemstone, weekly yoga practice, Looking for sensory deprivation tank, Second Awakening
The strong energy flow that's stirred up by the gemstone caused some issue with my stomach. I felt nauseous and stomach ache for a few months. Took care of it. Nothing found by my doctor. Only needs to be more diligent for bowel movement.
I looked to try sensory deprivation tank for many months, since I know one key to get in touch with energy self is through no feedback or input from the senses. It often causes me to have OBE or energy phenomenon.
I finally tried it after 2.5 hours driving in the pouring rain to Shrusbury. Not a pleasant place where the house is small and the tank is a bit scary. I had nausea the whole time like sea sickness.
But for a few days afterwards, I advanced very rapidly in my quest back to the second awakening. Coincidence? Readiness?
How I did it again
How do I know this is a come back? How do I know it happened again?
Yes, through meditation.
I found some long lost familiar symptoms in my meditation again. Once I have it in the meditation, I know it will menifest in real life.
Yes, through meditation.
I found some long lost familiar symptoms in my meditation again. Once I have it in the meditation, I know it will menifest in real life.
1. Sustaining is the key. Often time, I got up before I go deeper. I told myself that “ I am here with you.” “Yes, I am here.” “Stay with me.” “Give me some time to do this” I wept, because I felt that someone care. I felt that I care about myself. This is something that’s missing for a long time now.
2. I told myself “ admit this” “this is this” “ What’s coming from inside” “ How do I feel” I need to say it loud repeatedly in my mind. Right away, I got the rocking of my body, meaning the energy got going strong. I think this means that this is the right mantra for the body resistence wanting to leave or get up.
3. This morning I direct my focus only to the inner feeling. “What is from inside?” “ Look at that smoky stuff.” “ What is this?” “ Connect with this inner stuff.” “Reconnect.” …
In the meantime, I also felt the resistance in my body though, like oh no here goes again. I can be standing up and start cooking breakfast. Then I will not be feeling the discomfort……I told myself “Admit this.” “Admit the resistance.” “Sustain”
I found that when I focus my attention to the inner world, I forget about the outside. None of the other distraction matters. Breathing becomes automatic. Inner energy starts to flow up. After a while, the energy seems to congregate to the stomach area. This is when I feel my physical body comes to a still, but not yet the inner energy. My body starts to rock by itself. Physically at this point, I am still. I feel still and centered.
4. The other thing that I found is that with 5 years ago when I had to be determined to leave my attachment to my relationship behind, that’s a force that keeps me going inward, because the opposite would be totally disappointing and painful. I had no choice but to turn inward. That’s like a propeller with full force.
5. These past few days I have found that the key is to sustain in the state of telling myself to be an observer. “ Let me do this.” “ Don’t tell me what to do.” “ Allow this.” When I really allow this, I can feel that there is an observer, watching the other part of me going around and around. At this moment, my body starts rocking. There is a strong energy start to flow that I starts to feel from inside and I can see it in front of my closed eyes
6. "Give me some time to do this."
" I have this in me."
" I am looking at this."
" I am with you."
Imagine I am doing a 10 day retreat. Imagine I am in the floating tank. There is nowhere to go.
"Give me some time to do this."
" Allow this."
"Let me."
Now I know what to do to do it again.
How I got off track from first time--the pursuit of financial security
The shadow self, the part of "I" that I am not aware of or have lost contact with can often take us by surprise. Any part that's unknown to us can still play a role of ego, because in such situation, we are literally unconscious again.
In my own example, I dealth with my own attachment and illusion about relationship. But I didn't deal with my fear and insecurity about survival. That's why I took on an ego trying to combat the new fear and insecurity.
Professional status and financial security is the next important thing in the stage of my life.
After 2 years in the bliss, I could feel that there was less intense immensity in meditation.
Day after day, it felt the same, the same stillness, the same emptiness, the same nothingness, and the same question--Where do I go from here?
Being stuck, I started to look for break through on the path.
In real life, I happened to aquire a laptop computer and started to see if I could do something with it to generate some extra income. I found a translation site.
Someone contacted me to be the interpreter while he is coming to the US for a business trip from another country.
I actually couldn't go through with it, since things at work would be too busy for me to take a week off to this business trip. When I contacted that guy again, he mailed me a check for around $6500 to firm up the plan. While I was negotiating with my boss, a few days later, he contacted me again that his wife got into a bad accident and he had to call off the trip.
At this point, I already felt that something is not right in the whole thing. I went through with it and just wanted all these to go away.
So I need to return the money. He told me to save $1000 for the trouble, and wire back $5500. I did.
Two weeks laster, my bank called. The check from that guy got bounced, which means that I paid $5500 for nothing.
I filed reports to FBI and the police.
From there, I felt that I need to do something to get this money back.
I took on a part time job besides my full time job. This part time job required me two nights a week, two hours of work time each night.
After a few months, another oppirtunity appeared for the weekend. So now, I worked full time, plus two nights a week, plus weekends.
Then I received an opportunity to teach in a college course, important for the advancement of my career.
I started to teach at two colleges every week for three years ever since, besides my full time job.
In between, I left my old job where situation has become difficult and joined my current organization.
Working so hard earned me the title of the permanent director at my current work after a year. In the meantime, I am also still doing my previous position as manager, since it is still vacuum at the moment.
Leading a group of large staff, federal review, system building, conflict resolution for the staff, problem solving, everything falls on my shoulder.
Sometimes I even had a hard time falling asleep with my tense body and with the anxiety what needs to get done the next day.
I was far away from my inner self. I have no time to attend to the connection.
In my own example, I dealth with my own attachment and illusion about relationship. But I didn't deal with my fear and insecurity about survival. That's why I took on an ego trying to combat the new fear and insecurity.
Professional status and financial security is the next important thing in the stage of my life.
After 2 years in the bliss, I could feel that there was less intense immensity in meditation.
Day after day, it felt the same, the same stillness, the same emptiness, the same nothingness, and the same question--Where do I go from here?
Being stuck, I started to look for break through on the path.
In real life, I happened to aquire a laptop computer and started to see if I could do something with it to generate some extra income. I found a translation site.
Someone contacted me to be the interpreter while he is coming to the US for a business trip from another country.
I actually couldn't go through with it, since things at work would be too busy for me to take a week off to this business trip. When I contacted that guy again, he mailed me a check for around $6500 to firm up the plan. While I was negotiating with my boss, a few days later, he contacted me again that his wife got into a bad accident and he had to call off the trip.
At this point, I already felt that something is not right in the whole thing. I went through with it and just wanted all these to go away.
So I need to return the money. He told me to save $1000 for the trouble, and wire back $5500. I did.
Two weeks laster, my bank called. The check from that guy got bounced, which means that I paid $5500 for nothing.
I filed reports to FBI and the police.
From there, I felt that I need to do something to get this money back.
I took on a part time job besides my full time job. This part time job required me two nights a week, two hours of work time each night.
After a few months, another oppirtunity appeared for the weekend. So now, I worked full time, plus two nights a week, plus weekends.
Then I received an opportunity to teach in a college course, important for the advancement of my career.
I started to teach at two colleges every week for three years ever since, besides my full time job.
In between, I left my old job where situation has become difficult and joined my current organization.
Working so hard earned me the title of the permanent director at my current work after a year. In the meantime, I am also still doing my previous position as manager, since it is still vacuum at the moment.
Leading a group of large staff, federal review, system building, conflict resolution for the staff, problem solving, everything falls on my shoulder.
Sometimes I even had a hard time falling asleep with my tense body and with the anxiety what needs to get done the next day.
I was far away from my inner self. I have no time to attend to the connection.
Becoming lucid in dream V.S. in life--first time
Sometimes I wonder if becoming lucid is relevant with becoming lucid in life.
As we are on the spiritual practice more and more and become lucid in life, we seem to become lucid in dreams more often as well.
Becoming lucid in the dream means we notice something is inconsistent or unreasonable, so we realize we are in a dream. From there we gain control of our dream, to fly, to explore, or to look for answers.
It is very interesting how we can notice something inconsistent in the dream. Often times, we just dream on and let whatever in the dream overwhelms us or fool us.
But with more work toward spirituality, we become more lucid both in life, and in the dream.
As we are on the spiritual practice more and more and become lucid in life, we seem to become lucid in dreams more often as well.
Becoming lucid in the dream means we notice something is inconsistent or unreasonable, so we realize we are in a dream. From there we gain control of our dream, to fly, to explore, or to look for answers.
It is very interesting how we can notice something inconsistent in the dream. Often times, we just dream on and let whatever in the dream overwhelms us or fool us.
But with more work toward spirituality, we become more lucid both in life, and in the dream.
common dream, lucid dream, and astral projection--first time
According to Robert Bruce, there are three types of projections: lucid dream, astral projection, and OBE.
1. OBE
A large amount of asthric matter is channeled into the astral body by active chakras. The event is proceived in real time in real surrounding. As you OBE, You can still hear or are aware of the sound or happening in the real surrounding.
2. astral projection
The astral body is projected into the astral dimention and what you perceive has been distorted in time and surrounding. RB also mentions that many projectors black out while exiting, and then become conscious again in the astral dimention.
3. Lucid dream
You become aware that you are dreaming and can consciously control your dream. If you miss the exit and are already in the astral world, you are having a lucid dream.
He said all the above are involved in the separation of physical body and astral body and are closely related.
Also I have found that once we found that we are dreaming (so at this point, we just become lucid) sometimes I would go back to my body again and find myself in bed somehow. And then from then I exit again to go on an OBE. I can also started to try flying up right after I become lucid.
1. OBE
A large amount of asthric matter is channeled into the astral body by active chakras. The event is proceived in real time in real surrounding. As you OBE, You can still hear or are aware of the sound or happening in the real surrounding.
2. astral projection
The astral body is projected into the astral dimention and what you perceive has been distorted in time and surrounding. RB also mentions that many projectors black out while exiting, and then become conscious again in the astral dimention.
3. Lucid dream
You become aware that you are dreaming and can consciously control your dream. If you miss the exit and are already in the astral world, you are having a lucid dream.
He said all the above are involved in the separation of physical body and astral body and are closely related.
Also I have found that once we found that we are dreaming (so at this point, we just become lucid) sometimes I would go back to my body again and find myself in bed somehow. And then from then I exit again to go on an OBE. I can also started to try flying up right after I become lucid.
What is OBE--first time
To put it simple, OBE is the one that we are aware of the exit, whether it's from
wake-->half awake and half sleep--->exit,
or
dream---> lucid---> exit
wake-->half awake and half sleep--->exit,
or
dream---> lucid---> exit
How to become lucid in the dream--first time
I have found that it is really very interesting according to my own finding. The point is to train yourself to become lucid in the dream. Realizing you are dreaming is a big deal, because you can then use that state of counsciousness to fly, to float, and to do things you can't do when awake. And sometimes you can go to other realms.
Usually in a common dream, we just keep dreaming and are totally into what's taking place in it. But when you become lucid, you take over from there and can start to do things using that state of counsciousness.
Keep a dream journal is very helpful. There is a term "after fact lucidity" by Leland which means after the dream, you realize what the meaning of the dream is. So being able to recall what happen during your sleep is very important. Usually a lot of details escape by the time we wake up. If we can jot down whatever memory we have left with and make sense and make connections, this will help with making our dream more and more lucid subsequently.
I have a digital sound recorder so that I can speak into it immediately after I wake up from a dream, even in the middle of the night. This way I am able to record a lot more of what happened duing my sleep, without getting up to write in journals constantly.
One other thing some people do is to make it a habit to look at your hand a few times during the day and ask yourself " Am I dreaming?" This is very helpful, because then this habit will follow you into your sleep. You will check your hand and see if they are real or melting, while asking whehter you are dreaming.
When you are able to remember to do that in your sleep, then you can check whether it's a dream of an OBE. If your hand melts, you are OBEing. If your hand stays solid, it's a dream. But even if you are dreaming, once you remember to look your hands, usually you become lucid and can take over from there. This way you can also become lucid very easily, and can then do superpower things and visit whereever you want, depending on your counsciousness state.
Usually in a common dream, we just keep dreaming and are totally into what's taking place in it. But when you become lucid, you take over from there and can start to do things using that state of counsciousness.
Keep a dream journal is very helpful. There is a term "after fact lucidity" by Leland which means after the dream, you realize what the meaning of the dream is. So being able to recall what happen during your sleep is very important. Usually a lot of details escape by the time we wake up. If we can jot down whatever memory we have left with and make sense and make connections, this will help with making our dream more and more lucid subsequently.
I have a digital sound recorder so that I can speak into it immediately after I wake up from a dream, even in the middle of the night. This way I am able to record a lot more of what happened duing my sleep, without getting up to write in journals constantly.
One other thing some people do is to make it a habit to look at your hand a few times during the day and ask yourself " Am I dreaming?" This is very helpful, because then this habit will follow you into your sleep. You will check your hand and see if they are real or melting, while asking whehter you are dreaming.
When you are able to remember to do that in your sleep, then you can check whether it's a dream of an OBE. If your hand melts, you are OBEing. If your hand stays solid, it's a dream. But even if you are dreaming, once you remember to look your hands, usually you become lucid and can take over from there. This way you can also become lucid very easily, and can then do superpower things and visit whereever you want, depending on your counsciousness state.
OBE 112209--second time
11/22/09
It has been so long since I was made acting director and then permanent director at my work. All I thought about was work day in and day out.
In the meantime, I went through a federal review team coming to audit everything. I lead a staff of 30+ people. I also teach night classes.
It feels like after the review, I finally can take a deep breath and relax a bit. I started to go back to what my passion is--inner self.
I did have some dreams and experiences that I haven't written down from my recorder.
Yesterday during the day while walking in the woods, I felt vibration in my thigh and thought " Just want to make sure this is not my cell phone, since I am not even carrying it. " This vibration went on and off the whole day.
Last night I became aware in the middle of the night. I forgot what I was thinking, but my consciousness was in my body. All of a sudden a strong vibration started in my belly area and then quickly spread through out my whole body. I knew I was going to separate.
So my energy body floated up. I did the usual flip to the side of the bed to see if I hang in the air. I did without falling. But I probably flip with too much force, my energy ody almost touched the floor. So I am sinking into the floor and somehow floated into under the bed.
My vision was blur and the room was dark. I got to see the wood frame under the bed and felt weird. I got uncomfortable and got sucked back to my body through the bed.
I should have move away from my body as soon as possible when out. Lingering around the physical body is very easily sucked back in.
When I came back to my body, I can still feel the strong vibration all over. I knew I could separate again, but now I felt I got to use the bathroom.
Becoming lucid in a dream 050909--first time
5/9/09
I was in a dream with my coworker. Somehow I went back to my childhood bedroom in my birth country. I forget how the dream went because as soon as I become aware of the fact that I was dreaming, I forgot about what took place earlier and didn't have any recall.
The only thing I still remembered was that I was in that room and was closing my bedroom door. As I turned the door, I noticed that there were a lot of dirt on the wall in front of me. I took a really good look and couldn't believe my eyes. Where did these come from. I have never saw these before. As my vision turned, the dirt extended to the ceiling. I was like this can't be. Then this familiar realization whenever I become lucid in the dream came over me. I started to realize this is just a dream.
After waking up, my heart still pounded so fast that I was like whoa, is this what happened to me every time before obe?
I was in a dream with my coworker. Somehow I went back to my childhood bedroom in my birth country. I forget how the dream went because as soon as I become aware of the fact that I was dreaming, I forgot about what took place earlier and didn't have any recall.
The only thing I still remembered was that I was in that room and was closing my bedroom door. As I turned the door, I noticed that there were a lot of dirt on the wall in front of me. I took a really good look and couldn't believe my eyes. Where did these come from. I have never saw these before. As my vision turned, the dirt extended to the ceiling. I was like this can't be. Then this familiar realization whenever I become lucid in the dream came over me. I started to realize this is just a dream.
Also at this point, the room I was in seemed to turn to the color red. This happened to me before too. Sometimes when I am in that half awake half asleep state, the color of the surrounding changes to a different color. I was wondering if this has to do with the different bodies we are in. If I see color red, maybe I am in the etheric body? Before I fell unconscious during sleep, I remembered there were the swishing sound out of nowhere as if wind blowing.
I was like what do I want to do now. I tried to think very hard. I needed to do something now. All I remembered was to get OBE from there. So I started to will myself trying to go to other places. But I didn't really think of a place to go. As I will myself, I started to feel my heart pounding so fast as if an engine in me was turned on, and felt like I was taking off. But then I became conscious of being in my bed and woke up.
After waking up, my heart still pounded so fast that I was like whoa, is this what happened to me every time before obe?
Making reality in astral plane 041509--first time
041509
At day break this morning, some birds started singing diligently outside of my window and would not leave. It kept me awake and I could not go back to deep sleep.Then I seemed to have a series of remote viewing or astral vision.
While in them, I was pretty lucid and conscious and remembered to try out things in that half and half state and felt so free and magical. The thing I noticed this time was: everything seemed to solidify into reality only after I have thought of it in my head, just before it happened. And this is so very interesting, almost like I am making things happen with my thoughts or will. I also often need to take a second look to find out what just showed up, and usually it was something I just thought of in my head two seconds before. It actually looked like they are taking forms right in front of me, from vague to clear.
First I was in a dream where a scaly creature was in a distance outside of a structure I was in. I watched him as he moved around, but I wasn’t feeling scared at all, since I have brought with me a shell on my back to protect myself. I even hoped that he would walk over here so that I can see what would happen.
Then I was on the street waiting for something. A very small car came into sight and stopped in front of me. Out walked a very thin old, short man, getting out of the car to pick up something that had dropped out from the car. As he got out, I was so surprised to see that this tiny car had fitted in two people, another was an old tiny lady on the driver seat. I was like these two people look unreal and out of this world, almost like cartoon characters. They drove away.
My vision turned to the traffic light. A beautiful lady stood there, but two guys were there bothering her. (In this, I was like “how could these tiny people and the beautiful lady really turn up, when a second ago, they are only in my head?”
I kept thinking I got to head back to Boston. In a second just like that, I found myself on the familiar hiking trails that I had visited many times in the half and half state. I stood in the middle of a cross trail, with a house in one end of the road, but I wasn’t sure which of the three direction heading to Boston.
I was about to go ask the people in the house on the side of the road. I looked around me to look for a temple that I had known on the second floor of the house. And there it was. I saw it and I saw a big status of a god in the temple. (Again, the hiking trails and the temple showed up about one second after I have thought about them. I even kinda saw them shaping into forms.) Then I seemed to gain more consciousness and knew that I was in a half and half state.
At this point, I wanted to try even more things and see if I can really make it happen with my will. Then the kind of weird astral noise and background voices occurred, which often happens in the beginning or the end of an OBE. I became sexual aroused and thought to myself, I wanted to manifest a man to play with me. So I will myself trying to make it happen. An invisible force showed up to play with me. ;D
Then I heard like a frog crocking next to my bed. I was like what is that. As I woke up, the crocking sound turned out to be the birds outside of my window.
OBE 040409--first time
4/4/09
I have been having a bad cold and have a cough that lingers. Early this morning, it disturbed my sleep, so I was in and out of consciousness.
During one point, I became aware again and could feel myself separating. I could feel my whole body vibrating and floating. I haven’t had the RTZ OBE for a while, so I was excited. There started to be a background music playing out of nowhere, sounding like coming from radio statics. My vision was blur. My energy body sat up from the couch and kept trying to remember that there is something I really want to do. Then I remember that I need to look at my hand to see if it melted. I raised up my right hand, couldn’t really make out the details of the arm, only the shape, and it did seem to change its form.
I close my eyes because I am still quite sleepy, and then opened them up again to see where I was. It probably was still my living room, but there was nothing in it, and the early morning light looked a lot darker. I close my eyes again and felt myself floating and moving up.
Then I found myself in another room looking like my living room, but the carpet is light red, and the room is empty. This probably was my neighbor’s living room upstairs.I looked out of the sliding door and saw a cat biting something. I instantly felt very sad for that thing, which is another smaller cat. But it was okay and got away. I looked closely and found this small cat is a beautiful leopard with spots all over his body. He walked over to the other side of the balcony and sat on a piece of rock resting.
I woke up finding that the morning light is a lot brighter than the surrounding of what just happened.
Some precognitive dreams or OBE 032909--first time
032909
I have been putting a lot of energy at work being promoted as the acting director. Dreams and OBEs have reduced a bit as a result. A lot of times, I also didn’t record it on tape because I was too tired or sleepy. The following feel like dreams, but I seem to come to same places again and again.
Right before being promoted at work, all of a sudden I had many dreams in which I was in some sort of graduation ceremonies or being in charge of something. I also have repeatedly been to a cave-like, stone structure where some type of class or workshop takes place.
A while ago, I was at a river where on one side some people are waiting in a room to cross the river . On the other side of the river, there was a ceremony going on where officials were giving out graduation certificates. One of the students forgot what to say. There were coast guards assisting people to cross the river, using a big white balloon to carry people over to the graduation one by one. The river is wide and the water current is swift. I was there to assist the process.
The coast guards call me up from a phone device to tell me bringing people to cross the river. Someone kept going to the wrong place trying to meet the coast guard.
A place that I have been to a few times is a cave-like stone structure. There are many parts in this building. I went up and down everywhere. There were auditorium, waterfalls, and rooms. In it, I had urge to fly, but I wanted to wait until no one was around to do it.
A few nights ago, in a cave structure (maybe the same one as above), I seemed to encounter some people who past on. It feel like I was there to watch movie, but I was in the movie too. A few others were there to see these deceased people too.
From time to time there would be one turn up, especially the head and their faces are very clear. I am a bit afraid, just try not to look at them. The last one kinda freak me out, because she would come to try to make contact with us. Someone was checking whether we wear a gas mask –like cover. This girl walked in another room to get the face cover. I copy her to go to get a mask too.
Two nights ago, I was in this cave building (feel like I have been there already) wait to be in a class. I had no idea what type of class I was there for. I talked to people there and found out I was there for a session on Buddhism scripture. I thought to myself that that was not something I need at the moment. So I went around in the building. It was a big building. I remembered going up and down. What happened next escapes me, but finally I still had to go back to the session.
In another dream, I was with a group of people in a temple. There are many people in the temple doing a chanting or follow a guru. I walk around with an admin. He was trying to follow me and he didn’t want to follow other people. I was doing many paperwork and was good at it.
The people inside the temple seem to be studying something (I chin-like symbols) or try to decode something.
OBE to an astral plane 022209--first time
022209
This experience went like this. I think what happened probably was an OBE into a confined dream zone to learn about becoming lucid, seeing people there watching their dreams being played out. And a few of them become lucid from time to time. It was so strange that while I woke up and talked into my recorder, I still got chills.
I gave someone like a coworker a ride home. So we drove away.As we made a left turn, within seconds, I saw a barrier in the front of the view, like layers of leaves of willow trees. We went through those and then the energy of the space seems to change to a faster moving energy field.
The energy took us to a house, as if on a roller coaster ride. As I entered, I saw some people sitting in the room where a lecture or a class seemed to be starting. So I sat there with the one came with me. I was quite shocked by the driving into here earlier. (I don’t remember what it was, but it’s mostly the energy feel.) But I kept wanting to tell her that there is something eerie about this place.
I couldn’t speak in class, so I was passing her a note. A guy next to me peaking into our note and said to another person: “ I am fascinated by this….. I want to find out about who opened the door for her.” He asked me: “ So when you knocked on the door here, what did you say?” I said “Open the door, Ethan.” Some people say, “But the one answered the door was Bob.” That guy seemed to be checking whether I knew the way in.
Every few minutes, someone I saw would recognize or realize something as if they just became lucid. Including myself, I would look at a girl and realize she is actually one of the saints like Guan Yin. And we would see something happen just minutes ago being played on a TV or movie screen, and we would become even more lucid. People’s movement seemed to be able to fast forward. Everything has an energy feel to it. Forces kept coming and going. I would be anticipating someone or something to come in, because I sense the energy movement.
It’s so hard to put things into words or concepts.
I kept thinking this place is just strange. I kept thinking leaving this place. I have foreseen the journey out of this place, where I would be driving my car out and then past the willow leaves and out to a bridge.
At one point, I sensed myself sleeping on bed but what happened earlier was playing in my head. I could hear myself breathing hard. A lady from next room (which is like an attic, higher than where my bed is) told me” Hey, could you not breathe so hard. …..” (Forget what she said.) My father was there with me at that time and said something like “ Don’t breathe so hard. We don’t want to disturb others’ sleep.” (My father past on 8 or 9 years ago)
The willow leaves feel like a membrane. After I entered it, the energy is a totally different feel.There are many details lost in recall. There were things happening in that place where it is hard to describe or remember. The sequences can be reversed. The things that take place seem to be at a fast pace. Everyone seems to have six sense. I can sense things before it happened.
On the way of waking up, there was a music or noise in the background, as if my neighbor’s music or noise was taking place. But when I became totally conscious, there was nothing going on from my neighbors.
I found myself still have the chill from that place, because that place looked like a foggy, colder place. My heat was on and I was in my warm comforter, which usually makes me too warm. But this time, as I spoke into my recorder, the chill kept coming up from my body.
lucid dreaming turn into OBE 021609--first time
2/16/09
Last night I decided that I would attempt to project. So I made a mental wish that I would project tonight.
I woke up in the early morning and then tried to fall back to asleep. My cat kept coming to bother me.I lay there keeping telling my self “body sleep” and right away, I felt the vibration start all over my body. So I let it vibration.
Within seconds, I can feel my body start to get paralyzed, and the facial muscle and neck started to have that pulling feeling again by itself. At this point, I usually feel my body feels tense. I realized that this is the problem that preventing me from going into relaxation. My mind kept checking whether my body has been out. So my body can’t relax at all. So this time, I keep telling myself “relax” and at the same time, I tried to notice what is in my third eye. I started to see some shapes forming. There were also swishing sounds. I was in and out of the consciousness of my physical surrounding and somewhere like a twilight zone.
In a short while, I saw a yellow dog. It looked so familiar. I pet him and stroked his body. But he growled at me when I touched his body. Then I remembered that it was my grandma’s old yellow dog Pello. I was so glad to see him, as I almost already forgot all about him. He has died for over 13 years. I pet him and looked into his eyes. His fur felt exactly how it felt 13 years ago. But his legs seemed shorter.
Then I was in my living room with someone that’s like my brother. We are starting to play a game and I wanted to write on a piece of paper. I said give me a piece of paper. He gave me a piece of card paper that has no blank spot on it. I said, I can’t write on this. He said here I have another paper. He grabbed a stack of purple sticker note pad that’s still packaged.
Then I went in my room to get something next to my bed and saw a piece of clothing fell on the floor. I looked at it and surprisingly see it was moving. I was like why is the clothes moving by itself? So I know that I am in a state of altered consciousness.
So now I felt I am on my bed, because I have been trying to flip out of bed checking whether I can flip out of the body before falling asleep. Now, I tried it again and felt I am totally flexible and my energy body was actually floating around.
So I flipped out of the bed, without falling. I felt myself floating and had to switch myself to a standing position. I try to move, but in the beginning, it is awkward. I even hit the bed, and my leg merged into the bed.
So I moved out of the bedroom. It was dark. I felt anxious to move out so that I can do as much as possible, because I don’t know how much longer I can be out of body. So I tried to move quickly. This time I moved through living room toward the direction of the sliding door. I floated right though the couch and coffee table that are in the way. I even floated right through the sliding doors without thinking to open it. There are sensations of going through things, but I focused on moving out. I entered my neighbor’s balcony. They have hanged some clothing there and I had to pass through those to the railing of the balcony. I quickly tried to jump out of the railing. It was still dark out.
As I jumped out, I seemed to gain consciousness.
lucid dreaming 020609--first time
020609
Just got back from my long trip back to my country. Haven't had much time to be in a trance state, since I have been tired with jet lag and are usually sound asleep.
However, I did have two occasions where during one night, I became aware to be near a huge hole or valley and all of a sudden, I remembered that I wanted to fly. So I jumped into it and fly around and around. I was able to scan the landscape and felt the wind, but after a while, the movement got sluggish.
Another night, I was in a dream to be riding a bus or a train. All of a sudden, from outside of the window, I saw two UFOs approaching. I was like I was taking a train, why am I seeing UFOs? I must be dreaming. So I jumped out of the window and fly away.
I did have many long meaningful dreams night after night. I found that before bed, if I pray and send strong loving energy out from my heart charkra, toward family members, sincerely feeling the loving and healing energy flood through their whole body, I usually end up dreaming very meaningful and vivid dreams one after another. In some of them, I came back to the same places where I have been visiting in the dreams many times.
OBE to an astral plane 122408--first time
122408
I had a series of dreams last night, and after the last one, I projected to somewhere I believed to be another realm.
I was in my bed. Since I woke up near day break, I started to try to OBE, which I need to get into that half awake half asleep state. But then my cat jumped on my bed. I was like oh my God, I am trying to OBE here. (My cat often walked on me, trying to wake me up.) He then jumped out of the bed. I went back to my attempt.
I started to have feeling falling backwards. I fell and fell, feeling I was heading somewhere. There were streaks of light flying next to me, while I was moving, then blackout like one or two second. Then I heard someone said hey good news. I said what.
I looked out the window, here was this massive massive UFO ship, in the air right in front of me. It occupied almost all of my sight. There are a lot of people there. Everything was in vivid colors and great details. I was like, wow, this is definitely another world. I have never seen with such intensity and great details. From the UFO ship, there are something extended from it with purple dots. Children and parents were in some type of events. Everyone is happy and cheerful, in a kind of festive atmosphere.
I looked to the left, some soldiers in green uniform and caps are doing something on the table, with their back facing me. They are making dough. I talked to one of them. I don’t remember what he told me.
So I keep on walking and I was so excited to see everything. I was like I have to remember this. I need to talk into my recorder. While having this thought, there seemed to be a woman who is like a host of this place or this world watching me, smiling.
So I try to grab my recorder, but at the same time wondered if I can get it now that I am in another location? I grab something from somewhere looking like my bed, it is my recorder. I started talking into it, recording everything from the start. At the same time, I kept on walking. I started to go up stairs and there are a lot of shops. People sell shirts, and ornaments.
I found that while I am recording, I am not paying attention to what’s going on around me. But I was so happy that I got this on tape.Then I decided that I wanted to fly. So I jumped in the air, with my recorder in my hand. While I am in the air, I started to feel this energy in my belly. The movement started to feel heavy, and the scene seemed to start to fade away, while my real surrounding came back to me.
When I woke up, I realized that I didn’t actually record it.
Before this projection, I had two dreams, where I became lucid and then started to attempt to soar in the air.
Lucid dreaming turn into OBE 120408--first time
120408
Last night I didn’t sleep well, tossing and turning all night after woke up from a dream. Then, near day break, I remembered that it’s time to get up for a meeting this morning. Although it’s about 6:00, the sun was up already, but I was still very sleepy.My cat was running around crazy. He even came up to bed and bit my foot once. I turned to the other side of the bed and continued to catch some more sleep.
So from here probably is how the lucid dream started, but I thought this is what happened in real time:
I got up to the computer and tried to put in the dream journal my previous dream.Then the next scene is that I was driving on a road where if I keep going through one branch of the fork, it will lead to a mysterious hiking trail that I miss so much but have forgotten how to get there exactly.
Then I dreamed of looking for my computer, so that I could put the previous dream in my dream journal. I got up and was looking for my laptop. But then I arrived at a strange looking computer, the screen is not window screen, instead, its like "MSON" (what is that?) or something like that. I was like maybe I have changed the internet company and this is what they have right now. But when I realize all my stuff saved on the screen and in the computer is gone as well, I panic, and get really upset.
The computer is also next to a lookout window with some blinds on it, in the middle of the stairway. While I was upsetting about my computer change, I saw this other instructor who just arrived to teach. Today is Thursday and I am teaching too.
This place although is different from my place, it feels familiar like my home. Then I went in the kitchen to look for breakfast. The kitchen has changed as well. I opened the fridge and couldn’t find the soy milk I usually have. Then I found that someone has apparently done some clean up and put all paper packaged drink out on the floor to the other side in a small area, along with other stuff.
The next thing I know, I found myself in my bed kept thinking it’s time to get up. I was like “ Why am I still on my bed? I already got up.” So I went “ Am I lucid dreaming? Maybe I can try OBEing.”
Since I am very lucid and seem to be in control, I tried to see if I could flip over out away from the bed without falling. And I did. I flip over to the floor side and I didn’t fall off. So I said to myself “ To the door” Then, to the door I floated. The sun is really bright already, so it’s not a problem of seeing. I floated quickly to the living room and then floated out of the door.
I don’t remember what happened next. But at some point, I seemed to go back to my body. So I had to flip out of my body again and floated away. Again, I was so glad that I didn’t fall to the floor. So I moved quickly to the bedroom door and then to the living room door. I often lose recall from here. It’s like I was in some type of movement. And maybe I past out in the process.
OBE 111708--first time
111708
I was sleeping and woke up to be in a bus moving in the normal speed.
The bus is moving in a tunnel and it’s dark. I couldn’t make out things or people around me. All of a sudden I approached the door from my seat which is in the middle of the bus. I got near to the front of the bus but it was dark and I was asking where the exit is and try to get out. But I didn’t seem to see the driver there and I realized I was not using my legs and was floating.
The bus was still moving. I tried to go back to my seat and I was basically floating back. I saw some folks in other seats and I tried to find my own seat but couldn’t see it. I felt I was wobbling in a weird way and wondered to myself “ Am I OBEing?” So I tried to swing my bag that I carried and found that it’s flying or doing some kind of weird motion and I knew I was OBEing.
The next thought I knew I was checking whether I was OBEing on my bed. I found that I was vibrating and I was free floating in my bed where I sleep. So I flipped over somehow could see my own shimmering outline. I started to float away from bed and was so glad I didn’t fall to the floor. I remembered to float away to the door. And out I went.
But next thing I knew, I was in a kind of movement and seemed to go back to that bus moving away.
Then a noise brought me back to my room. My cat or my brother did something on my foot to wake me up while I was still trying to sleep and jokingly went out of the room, somehow I was sad so I said “I am going to tell Dad.”
Gradually I woke up and realized that the room that I was in was a bit different. When I OBE, I flipped over and faced down, but when I woke up, I was in my usual position facing up.
Floating up 102608--first time
10/26/08
This afternoon I had a floating experience.I was lying on my bed sleeping. This time, some guy like my brother was with me again. There was another being there who was very holy, almost making me believe that he was here to visit me.
I was aware of my real time surrounding and I was still lying on my bed sleeping, I could hear children playing on the distant playground. A guy was walking around my room and the living room doing something.
All of a sudden, I felt this floating energy again and I knew I was about to float up, and in about three seconds, I was floating up from my body. It was cool because I felt this energy gathering in my body and knew that I was about to float up. Then up I went.
I slapped my bed underneath, not sure whether or not I was making sounds, trying to get that guy to see me floating in the air. When he came by my side, I was still in the air. The floating happened about 15 seconds.
Then I continued to be in and out of the dream and my real time surrounding. I felt this sexual urge, while also heard the sound outside, the far away siren, and children playing on the playground. This guy was expecting someone. Some guy knocked on my door in the living room. I remembered get up and open the door. That guy peeked in for a while, but I didn’t let him in.
I went back to bed, but tried to get up again to lock the door, since I didn’t want somebody to be outside of my door, without me keeping the door locked. I was still very drowsy and sleepy, and only got up half way and never did get up again to check on the door. But gradually I was getting awake.
Body phenomenon from inner energy 101008--first time
10/10/08
I haven't been keeping up my practice due to busy working. Last night I did Great Invocation and body energy work when going to sleep. I had a very strange experience.
I laid very still and kept saying to myself "no feedback" meaning I don't expect any feedback from my body, and that I wanted to go deeper to the stillness.
Slowly, my lower jaw started to vibrate, and then it got pulled in all directions, resulting in my upper teeth and the lower ones hitting each other rapidly, almost like the motions when trembling, but the force can range from light to stronger.
After a while I would force myself to get my jaws back in place. Then the muscle on my face got pulled in all different directions. This was not just subtle sensation, but rather, it's very intense motions that twist my face muscle all up. I could be showing my teeth one minute, and face muscles all twisted up the next.
Many times, my lower jaw move around by itself upward. A couple of time, my mouth was forced to wide open and in the meantime my neck and head was sucked so tightly in one direction. Sometimes my lower jaw got pulled further ahead than my upper jaw. The force can be strong that I worry about breaking my jaw.
My face must look like something you see in horror movies. A few times, both my lips went upward like the pig face so tightly. hahaha.
I kept thinking whether or not I was possessed. But I was more intrigued than scared. A few times, I felt like I was about to be sucked away by a giant vaccuming machine near my head. My facial muscle is pull so tightly to one direction that my upper back/neck/head actually arch up involuntarily.
My cat was next to me. Although I didn't see whether he saw me, I am sure he was enjoying the show I and the energy put on.
I also felt something got loose from my body. Whenever I thought about another place (William Buhlman's way), the force of the motion would get intense and strong as a response. So all these motions repeated themselves for probably at least two hours. Gradually I got exhausted and drifted to sleep near day break.
Before I fell asleep, there were still the left over motions, so did this morning on the way to work. I think what impressed me was the force that' doing all these sucking, pulling, moving. It really was like a powerful vacuuming tube sucking. I had this these past week, but they were not as dramatic as last night.
OBE 092008--first time
092008
I was aware of myself sleeping in my bed and then felt this pool of energy forming in my belly area. There was also this pull of power. I knew that I was going to be out.
So I was sucked out or grabbed out of my body and I was in shooting motion going swiftly from my bed upward, even having the awareness of going through the ceiling. This power was so big that I thought I would be in my neighbor two floors up, but at that time, I forgot that I only have neighbor one floor up. So I opened my eye trying to see where I was.
I heard the Buddhist chanting going on first and then I saw some monks chanting on a roof balcony in a sunny afternoon. So I got a glimpse of it for probably 10 seconds and was wondering where this place was but this was not my roof balcony, because on my roof there should be nothing.
Then I got suck to my body. But then quickly, this power accumulating its strength again, and boom I got sucked back out again and vaguely seeing a big huge figure grabbed me out. But within three seconds I was back in. I was like that’s it? I didn’t even find out where I was.
But then the power gathered its strength again, but this time, I had a sensation in my belly and I was only out half way and then came back again. It is strange the coming back feeling this time. It’s as if I could feel a shadow of belly and legs lying back down in my body.
Then I realized that that’s it with my attempt this afternoon. I found that I was in my gradma’s farm with my brother. Some guy (my brother or my ex) was there next to me when I came back. He wanted to go do something tonight, and was telling me that he wanted to use the bathroom, but my uncle went in first and my brother was like oh too bad. So he came back to talk to me, I was dying to tell him what just happened to me that I just had an OBE, but he got busy with something else and I didn’t get to tell him.
During the OBE, all those times I was aware that I was in my own bed, but when I came back down one last time, I seemed to go on to a dream where I was with that guy in my grandma’s farm, in bed too. So I was there trying to tell him I just had these weird experiences.
But then I had to wake up from that dream to realize that I was in my own bed. When I opened my eyes, my legs were still tingling and there were these small fire stars flowing in front of my open eyes.
I was aware of myself sleeping in my bed and then felt this pool of energy forming in my belly area. There was also this pull of power. I knew that I was going to be out.
So I was sucked out or grabbed out of my body and I was in shooting motion going swiftly from my bed upward, even having the awareness of going through the ceiling. This power was so big that I thought I would be in my neighbor two floors up, but at that time, I forgot that I only have neighbor one floor up. So I opened my eye trying to see where I was.
I heard the Buddhist chanting going on first and then I saw some monks chanting on a roof balcony in a sunny afternoon. So I got a glimpse of it for probably 10 seconds and was wondering where this place was but this was not my roof balcony, because on my roof there should be nothing.
Then I got suck to my body. But then quickly, this power accumulating its strength again, and boom I got sucked back out again and vaguely seeing a big huge figure grabbed me out. But within three seconds I was back in. I was like that’s it? I didn’t even find out where I was.
But then the power gathered its strength again, but this time, I had a sensation in my belly and I was only out half way and then came back again. It is strange the coming back feeling this time. It’s as if I could feel a shadow of belly and legs lying back down in my body.
Then I realized that that’s it with my attempt this afternoon. I found that I was in my gradma’s farm with my brother. Some guy (my brother or my ex) was there next to me when I came back. He wanted to go do something tonight, and was telling me that he wanted to use the bathroom, but my uncle went in first and my brother was like oh too bad. So he came back to talk to me, I was dying to tell him what just happened to me that I just had an OBE, but he got busy with something else and I didn’t get to tell him.
During the OBE, all those times I was aware that I was in my own bed, but when I came back down one last time, I seemed to go on to a dream where I was with that guy in my grandma’s farm, in bed too. So I was there trying to tell him I just had these weird experiences.
But then I had to wake up from that dream to realize that I was in my own bed. When I opened my eyes, my legs were still tingling and there were these small fire stars flowing in front of my open eyes.
UFO dream 091208--first time
091208
Last night was the first time I used MAP program. There were three more CDs before this one I was supposed to use first, but I have been doing chakra work anyway, so I skipped those. I put on my headphone and went to sleep.
I was in the dream, trying to escape from something with a guy and we fell into a hole full of grass. I had to climb out of the hole. So I climbed and climbed. From there, a different world appeared. It was very real.
I was walking down the street on the sidewalk. A weird looking guy was walking toward me so I avoid him by stepping off the sidewalk and into the street. The sky was dark but filled with the leftover weird looking kind of sunset light. I was like wow look at that sky, it's weird. The next thing I knew, an UFO ship appeared in the sky, very magnificent and very eerie.
All of a sudden, I was hit by a ray of heat and light in the middle of my chest. Although I didn't see it coming, I knew it was from the UFO ship coming from above. There was no traffic in the street and I was the only one standing there, while some people were on the side walk. Then the ship disappeared just like that.
So I stood there and thought to myself, oh my God, I was just attacked by the alien! Is there a chip or something in me now? As I kept walking down the street, I kept thinking what I should I do. Should I go to the ER to take the chip out?
I kept on walking until seeing a carnival of some sort. I figured why don't I go on the ride. The guy guarded the ride looked at me as if he was from where those aliens were from. He attended to my wound as if trying to tell me what to do. We were communicating telepathically. I knew he was from another planet and was letting me know how to go to another world. I asked him his name so that I can find him again when I get there. He told me his name and I remembered it vividly and told myself to remember it, but now nothing comes up sounds like the name I heard.
I have never had any UFO dreams, and I am not big on UFO or aliens. This is a big surprise to me.It is just weird to have this vivid dream the first day I try something!
Last night was the first time I used MAP program. There were three more CDs before this one I was supposed to use first, but I have been doing chakra work anyway, so I skipped those. I put on my headphone and went to sleep.
I was in the dream, trying to escape from something with a guy and we fell into a hole full of grass. I had to climb out of the hole. So I climbed and climbed. From there, a different world appeared. It was very real.
I was walking down the street on the sidewalk. A weird looking guy was walking toward me so I avoid him by stepping off the sidewalk and into the street. The sky was dark but filled with the leftover weird looking kind of sunset light. I was like wow look at that sky, it's weird. The next thing I knew, an UFO ship appeared in the sky, very magnificent and very eerie.
All of a sudden, I was hit by a ray of heat and light in the middle of my chest. Although I didn't see it coming, I knew it was from the UFO ship coming from above. There was no traffic in the street and I was the only one standing there, while some people were on the side walk. Then the ship disappeared just like that.
So I stood there and thought to myself, oh my God, I was just attacked by the alien! Is there a chip or something in me now? As I kept walking down the street, I kept thinking what I should I do. Should I go to the ER to take the chip out?
I kept on walking until seeing a carnival of some sort. I figured why don't I go on the ride. The guy guarded the ride looked at me as if he was from where those aliens were from. He attended to my wound as if trying to tell me what to do. We were communicating telepathically. I knew he was from another planet and was letting me know how to go to another world. I asked him his name so that I can find him again when I get there. He told me his name and I remembered it vividly and told myself to remember it, but now nothing comes up sounds like the name I heard.
I have never had any UFO dreams, and I am not big on UFO or aliens. This is a big surprise to me.It is just weird to have this vivid dream the first day I try something!
OBE 082508--first time
082508
I took some medication for my upset stomach last night and as a result, it interrupted my sleep. I was in and out of rest.
During one point, a huge vibrating, buzzing sound occurred. It was so loud that I and everything were vibrating with it as well. Then there was a rectangular transparent frame, about the size of 50-60 inch wide screen TV, appeared in the air, with shimmering edges, The frame seemed to be in a procession, one after another, going from my bedroom, to the direction of my living room.
I heard my father’s voice in the living room, which I don’t remember what he was saying, but it was clearly his voice. (My father passed on a few years ago.) I was in fear. There was a powerful force with this roaring sound, as if the force roamed with the sound. I felt I was raised from bed for 10 seconds as the roaring sound and the force continued.
I remembered feeling myself raised from the bed, feeling it was so cool. But then the force diminished. I was like maybe my energy is right tonight. I wanted to make it happen again. But I couldn't.
Then I went on to be in a lucid dream. The details have escaped me now, but I was with a few guys. Somehow I was in apprehension. One of the guys though was there to protect me all the way, although he didn’t say a word.
I took some medication for my upset stomach last night and as a result, it interrupted my sleep. I was in and out of rest.
During one point, a huge vibrating, buzzing sound occurred. It was so loud that I and everything were vibrating with it as well. Then there was a rectangular transparent frame, about the size of 50-60 inch wide screen TV, appeared in the air, with shimmering edges, The frame seemed to be in a procession, one after another, going from my bedroom, to the direction of my living room.
I heard my father’s voice in the living room, which I don’t remember what he was saying, but it was clearly his voice. (My father passed on a few years ago.) I was in fear. There was a powerful force with this roaring sound, as if the force roamed with the sound. I felt I was raised from bed for 10 seconds as the roaring sound and the force continued.
I remembered feeling myself raised from the bed, feeling it was so cool. But then the force diminished. I was like maybe my energy is right tonight. I wanted to make it happen again. But I couldn't.
Then I went on to be in a lucid dream. The details have escaped me now, but I was with a few guys. Somehow I was in apprehension. One of the guys though was there to protect me all the way, although he didn’t say a word.
OBE 071208--first time
071208
The chakra work last night was pretty good. I had a big glass of ice tea in the evening so I didn't sleep well last night, in and out of a series of dreams.
In one of the half dream half awake states, I was lying on my bed looking out of my window from my bed at the bright sky (although it's midnight), with the sun high up and at the edge of the sky, something blue was forming.
I thought to myself, that probably was a rainbow. The next thing I knew, I was raised by a force, intending to turn everything upside down. I was like what's the matter with the earth, why is it turning upside down? Then I felt myself raised by a force from underneath while lying on my bed. I saw my two legs raised in the air and my body was hanging in the air.
Somehow in the half dream half awake, there was someone next to me, although there wasn't. I smacked him repeatedly and said look, hey look, what happened to me? I am in the air. Look at my legs. They are still going up.
I was terrified! First I thought the end of the world has come when the earth was turing upside down. Then I thought I was having something like an OBE. But then it felt as if I was possessed by a force.
This morning I felt a substantial swirl of energy inside of me. I feel more centered and calm than usual.
The chakra work last night was pretty good. I had a big glass of ice tea in the evening so I didn't sleep well last night, in and out of a series of dreams.
In one of the half dream half awake states, I was lying on my bed looking out of my window from my bed at the bright sky (although it's midnight), with the sun high up and at the edge of the sky, something blue was forming.
I thought to myself, that probably was a rainbow. The next thing I knew, I was raised by a force, intending to turn everything upside down. I was like what's the matter with the earth, why is it turning upside down? Then I felt myself raised by a force from underneath while lying on my bed. I saw my two legs raised in the air and my body was hanging in the air.
Somehow in the half dream half awake, there was someone next to me, although there wasn't. I smacked him repeatedly and said look, hey look, what happened to me? I am in the air. Look at my legs. They are still going up.
I was terrified! First I thought the end of the world has come when the earth was turing upside down. Then I thought I was having something like an OBE. But then it felt as if I was possessed by a force.
This morning I felt a substantial swirl of energy inside of me. I feel more centered and calm than usual.
The two earliest OBEs that I remember--first time
These two are the earliest two OBEs that I later realized they might be OBEs
2/12/03
I woke up in the middle of the night and then fell back to sleep after like one hour and a half.
All of a sudden, I felt someone is making my hand banging on the bed. a strong current flow through my body. It lasted for probably minutes, so strong that I had to grab on to my bed or I would have certainly been carried away. Then the TV sound came on, buzzing like a heavy metal band.
I went out of my bed to check out what's going on, and I found myself floating, instead of walking. Everything looks vibrating. I could see from the mirror that Chinese commercial was on the TV screen. So I went to the living room but the TV was off. I focused my attention and then saw a changing face forming, and then the light went on by itself. I went to turn it off but it stayed on. I looked into the living room and saw man’s clean jacket standing there and there was no head. I was terrified so I kneed down to chant Buddha’s name very sincerely.
Then the semi invisible man came in to my bedroom. He made some sexual and aggressive move on me and said you can call me (a foreign name) I saw two girls outside the window doing something. I pointed to him “Look, there are two blonde girls there. Go talk to them.”
The whole time, there were Chinese music playing in the background. The whole time I am frightened but determined that I needed to deal with this with prayers.
Probably due to the energy rushing out of my body, carrying away many blockages, when I woke up, I have never feel so peaceful and wonderful all over my body and soul, for three four days.
5/2/03
I had strong sensation while meditating in the morning. After going back to bed, within 10 or 20 minutes, I felt something in my body, which really scared me beacuse this had never happened to me, different from just the last experience. I tried to open my eyes but I could only crack open a little, and I saw the wall and the closet door. However my dream kept going.
All a sudden, a very strong current flowed through me and out through my legs. It felt like very strong, fast electrical current, causing also sensation of sexual orgasm as it flowed through my lower body. Then my arms went another direction and seemed to be pulled by some strong forces.
I realized it while it happening the whole time and I felt I must direct my consciousness to some grace land. I seemed to come to a big auditorium with yellow curtain all over. I seemed to know that something was around me and I know I am going to find something when I open a door. I approached the door bravely and I tried to be brave and positive. I sensed and then saw that something powerful, God's light, was in front of me. So I traveled very fast, trying to catch the light in front ofme.
Along the road, I also try to see who was in the same direction with me, and there were a few. A girl approached a guy that I would like to know.
Before the experience, I seemed to feel tired, but after that, I felt I am totally new, refreshing, energetic, and loving. I look at my cat totally full of love and appreciation, as if the cat is me.
The turning point--first time
You know how if someone is leaving us, someone we are so attached to and has almost been a big part of our identity, on which we build our self esteem, happiness, hope, dreams,...then there will also be a part where we think that maybe if we try a little harder, give it one more chance, talk to that person one more time, maybe things will be okay and this connetion will get to continue and you get to be with this person again. So we try and try, thinking one more time we will get it right, and eventually he will change.But that never happens the way we want. So when we finally realize that there is really nothing we can do anymore to get how we want it to be. It's like all of a sudden you have to give up all of your identity.
Imagine that for a minute.
I was caught in these struggles for five long years. At the end, you can understand how exhausted I was. I wanted to save myself from this deep suffering, but I didn't know how. I would say this is no different from drug addiction or any kind of addiction, except that my addiction is the one more hope around the corner from this relationship.
Once we realize the fact that that person is really gone and there is nothing we can do about it, we won't need all the behavior that we do all the time anymore. There is no mind chattering or figuring out what to say to that person, why he said a certain thing yesterday, or maybe I do this thing then he will change, maybe this afternoon he will call again...... you know none of these will happen the way you want anymore.
All of a sudden, you feel this big void in you. But along with it, there are alot of emotions, anger, anger, grieving, sorrow, self-pity....If we don't accept and are not willing to be in this place, all these emotions will occupy our inner space and we keep being carried around by this emotions. Some people can't bear with this and they might do stupid things, to numb themselves or even to end their life, even talking to people does not guarantee cure.
At this time, a very important turning point happened. One day, I told myself that okay, I was not going to fight anymore. I would just deal with this myself for a while. I am going to accept it that I was left by him and now I am by myself, and that's that.Something in me calm right down. I felt this peace right away.
The way the energy calm down feels similar way it calm down to stillness in meditation, just with less intensity.of course, there is still a lot of emotions, but now because of the willingness to be where I was and just accept it, recognize it, and being a humble human being, I felt a peaceful power start to grow in me, stronger and stronger.
Like I mentioned in my original post, I carried around this energy in my belly area for two months. It felt so heavy and substantial as if a vortex inside of me, sucking all of my energy inward. I almost had no interest toward anything around me, except that I needed to sit down. Some immense power is inside me and I could feel it. I need to connect with me.
And finally I had to sit down to connect with it.Later I realized what happened here is that a big part of my ego, old self, reactive self has died off the minute I decided to that I wm willing to be in this bad place, and did not react with my old ego behavior to fight on or figure out or to get even.
What happened once I started to meditate is in another post. I started to meditate daily, starting with 25 minutes each time. A week later, I sat one hour every night, sometimes also mornings.
That's when I get to feel the real me, my essence....After I have get my essence to come out, after about six months of no communication with him, we met again to talk. There was still a little emotions there. In the following meetings I talked to him from the place of my inner being, instead of that old ego. And to this day, we are still very close friend.
So here you have it, what it feels like of emergence of essence. After ego fade out though, to deal with all those left emotions, we still have alot of work to do. That's why I meditated intensively from that point on. And the more I do it, the more I am more clear about the direction, until I found that unchanging, immense place of stillness and total awareness.
Imagine that for a minute.
I was caught in these struggles for five long years. At the end, you can understand how exhausted I was. I wanted to save myself from this deep suffering, but I didn't know how. I would say this is no different from drug addiction or any kind of addiction, except that my addiction is the one more hope around the corner from this relationship.
Once we realize the fact that that person is really gone and there is nothing we can do about it, we won't need all the behavior that we do all the time anymore. There is no mind chattering or figuring out what to say to that person, why he said a certain thing yesterday, or maybe I do this thing then he will change, maybe this afternoon he will call again...... you know none of these will happen the way you want anymore.
All of a sudden, you feel this big void in you. But along with it, there are alot of emotions, anger, anger, grieving, sorrow, self-pity....If we don't accept and are not willing to be in this place, all these emotions will occupy our inner space and we keep being carried around by this emotions. Some people can't bear with this and they might do stupid things, to numb themselves or even to end their life, even talking to people does not guarantee cure.
At this time, a very important turning point happened. One day, I told myself that okay, I was not going to fight anymore. I would just deal with this myself for a while. I am going to accept it that I was left by him and now I am by myself, and that's that.Something in me calm right down. I felt this peace right away.
The way the energy calm down feels similar way it calm down to stillness in meditation, just with less intensity.of course, there is still a lot of emotions, but now because of the willingness to be where I was and just accept it, recognize it, and being a humble human being, I felt a peaceful power start to grow in me, stronger and stronger.
Like I mentioned in my original post, I carried around this energy in my belly area for two months. It felt so heavy and substantial as if a vortex inside of me, sucking all of my energy inward. I almost had no interest toward anything around me, except that I needed to sit down. Some immense power is inside me and I could feel it. I need to connect with me.
And finally I had to sit down to connect with it.Later I realized what happened here is that a big part of my ego, old self, reactive self has died off the minute I decided to that I wm willing to be in this bad place, and did not react with my old ego behavior to fight on or figure out or to get even.
What happened once I started to meditate is in another post. I started to meditate daily, starting with 25 minutes each time. A week later, I sat one hour every night, sometimes also mornings.
That's when I get to feel the real me, my essence....After I have get my essence to come out, after about six months of no communication with him, we met again to talk. There was still a little emotions there. In the following meetings I talked to him from the place of my inner being, instead of that old ego. And to this day, we are still very close friend.
So here you have it, what it feels like of emergence of essence. After ego fade out though, to deal with all those left emotions, we still have alot of work to do. That's why I meditated intensively from that point on. And the more I do it, the more I am more clear about the direction, until I found that unchanging, immense place of stillness and total awareness.
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