The shadow self, the part of "I" that I am not aware of or have lost contact with can often take us by surprise. Any part that's unknown to us can still play a role of ego, because in such situation, we are literally unconscious again.
In my own example, I dealth with my own attachment and illusion about relationship. But I didn't deal with my fear and insecurity about survival. That's why I took on an ego trying to combat the new fear and insecurity.
Professional status and financial security is the next important thing in the stage of my life.
After 2 years in the bliss, I could feel that there was less intense immensity in meditation.
Day after day, it felt the same, the same stillness, the same emptiness, the same nothingness, and the same question--Where do I go from here?
Being stuck, I started to look for break through on the path.
In real life, I happened to aquire a laptop computer and started to see if I could do something with it to generate some extra income. I found a translation site.
Someone contacted me to be the interpreter while he is coming to the US for a business trip from another country.
I actually couldn't go through with it, since things at work would be too busy for me to take a week off to this business trip. When I contacted that guy again, he mailed me a check for around $6500 to firm up the plan. While I was negotiating with my boss, a few days later, he contacted me again that his wife got into a bad accident and he had to call off the trip.
At this point, I already felt that something is not right in the whole thing. I went through with it and just wanted all these to go away.
So I need to return the money. He told me to save $1000 for the trouble, and wire back $5500. I did.
Two weeks laster, my bank called. The check from that guy got bounced, which means that I paid $5500 for nothing.
I filed reports to FBI and the police.
From there, I felt that I need to do something to get this money back.
I took on a part time job besides my full time job. This part time job required me two nights a week, two hours of work time each night.
After a few months, another oppirtunity appeared for the weekend. So now, I worked full time, plus two nights a week, plus weekends.
Then I received an opportunity to teach in a college course, important for the advancement of my career.
I started to teach at two colleges every week for three years ever since, besides my full time job.
In between, I left my old job where situation has become difficult and joined my current organization.
Working so hard earned me the title of the permanent director at my current work after a year. In the meantime, I am also still doing my previous position as manager, since it is still vacuum at the moment.
Leading a group of large staff, federal review, system building, conflict resolution for the staff, problem solving, everything falls on my shoulder.
Sometimes I even had a hard time falling asleep with my tense body and with the anxiety what needs to get done the next day.
I was far away from my inner self. I have no time to attend to the connection.
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