two weepings

Weeping 030210

Last night during meditation before bed, I did each chakra and also golden light from the crown. Then first, there is a resistance in the way for me to be in touch of my bottom. While trying to reach down, I started to weep. The more I tremble, the more I cry. It totally started as a physical sensation and then snow ball. The physical sensation felt like sadness, but I was not even thinking about anything.
I had to weep and weep and there was so much sensation (that felt like sadness) coming up. I didn’t think I could stop it. When I said “let me” “allow me”, even more sensation came up, and the more violently I cried.
Weeping is common to me during meditation. But this time, it is much stronger and long lasting. Something kept coming from inside.
“Is there anything hidden that makes me this way?” “Am I craving for something?”
During the day yesterday, it was a all day 8-5 training away from work, talking about something that I feel really easy. Is this a wrong fit and forcefulness on myself, that’s why I had to release the stress?
I had a coffee in the morning and a tea in the afternoon. Is it making me sharper? But I have had days like this too.
This morning I woke up really early, but refresh. It is one of those days when I get up really early to meditate, feeling totally centered, alert.
There would be a tune already playing in me and I would not need to turn on music. It is from within.

Another weeping 030310

Last night before bed, I did the chakra, and then imagining golden oil from the crown. It didn’t go as quick as yesterday. But right away, I still had the weeping impulses. Then it just felt disconnected again.
I sat for a while, trying different things: am I pretending anything? Am I resisting anything? Am I doing anything? Let me. Allow this….
Still didn’t feel connected.
Finally, I asked myself so why don’t you just get into it. What are you waiting for….
I started to feel this sensation in the belly, the solar plexus.
It is clearly a soreness kind of sensation. It just felt like I wanted to cry. My facial muscle started to get tense. I tensed up my facial muscle and burst into tears. I beg myself to please just do this. Just let out…..I was like "I am begging you. Please….."
I felt the crying can’t stop. I went up to bed, then the crying get worse. I talked into my recorder. I was sobbing all the way through. So intense. So emotional. It was just surreal.

It dawn on me that maybe it’s because I am away from my usual routine and I am more free spirited. I don’t have a usual role to play. I am more like a no body. So the emotion is more free to flow.

I am just shocked that I can have such a powerful impact on myself, by not doing anything. It is really magical.