On weekends I have been visiting the geese family living in that lake, feeding them some bread and see how they are doing. Two chicks disappeared about three weeks ago, only one chick left with the mother and father geese. No one seems to have an any idea what happened to those chicks. Maybe people took them away home as pets.
This place of 640 acers has two lacks, two main roads, and many shaded trails surrounded by trees and plants. Aside from the picnic areas where people have barbecue and swimming in the water, most places are quiet and tranquil. I am just very lucky to have found this place.
Usually I sit near the water to work on chakras, body scan, and then take in the energy from the water and the trees. I enjoy having some fresh salad, fruits as lunch. Before and after that, I usually hike for the best part of the day, stopping to feel a certain tree, or the small plants on the side of the road, feeling the joy and magnificence of the living things.
I often wonder what can be better than this. If this is not heaven, what is?
Then I go back to my work during the week, running a program durirng the day and teaching three nights of courses each week now.
I am very good at what I do. But I still hope to be better, and maybe to be promoted to a higher position. When there is such hope, there are competition and comparation. Teaching courses not only keeps me in the leading edge, but also means more money to put aside for safety net for the future.
Ever since my first awakening, I have found that I have been getting much more flexible, much more stable, much more focused, and much more energized in whatever I do. However, there is still one thing that I still get slightly hung up on.
Will I be okay if I stop moving upward in positions? Will I be okay if someone else gets ahead? Will I be okay when I am old and weak?
Someone can still tip me off if their comment is about my performance as a leader, because of the frustration of how easy a good intention can be misinterpreted. At such times, although at a lesser degree, I found the effect similiar to that of an ex- boyfriend's insensitive words or act in the past, at a lesser degree because I do have the confidence and self knowing that I am very good and my status can't be swayed just because of someone's comment. But the fact of the effect on me still means something.
The attachement and the fear don't just go away as a general awakening, they can only be processed one by one. If we awake through a bad relationship, it doesn't bring automatic freedom to all things. We might still can't give up our need of control on other things. It has to be faced one by one, until one day, when we truly are free with all fear and attachement.
One thing very interesting is the technique of exposure of parting with things that we can't let go, or refraining from doing compulsive behaviors.
For the fear of losing the star edge at my organization, I can certainly get more and more flexible and open minded as I become more and more aware and present. However, one thing that will work fast is to expose myself to the opposite of what I want to be and face the anxiety and fear.
Try not to have an opinion. Try to be very small. Try to be just another human being without a title, a position. Try to be just like the tree and the geese by not needing to prove anything.
Of course, this doesn't mean stop performing or intentionally do a bad job at work.
This means let the inner energy be the lead.
Feel that energy inside. Act not out of fear, but out of who I really am, or do not act.
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