Choosing the discomfort

It is like going through a withdrawal of an addiction. As if suffering from a loss, I feel the soreness in the body, a little light headed, feeling abandoned and unloved, wandering from one thing to the next, and mostly the discomfort of doubt and uncertainty.

I have been facing the challenge of giving up my last lap of attachment, my biggest challenge of all.

Good opportunities came up. Normally I would be up for it. This time, I can see that it will just be more mind based drama in another setting, to fill the never ending void of ego and self-insecurity. I no longer want to be in that pursuit. I chose to stay put and look at the chances go by in front of me.


The decision comes with confronting and enduring the struggle of self doubt and insecurity. My whole body scream and challenge this unusual decision.


"But it is disappointing not to take the opportunity. You would be in higher level doing things with greater importance and impact. Everyone is watching. They will now know that you are just as good as how big you can get."


"People are getting ahead and I am not going anywhere" " I am now falling behind" .......


This is uncomfortable and unsettling. I normally jumped to challenge and opportunity. This time I totally chose to go through the discomfort and dread, staying put and watching others


getting ahead.


"Will I be okay without being bigger and doing more?" "How will people see me now?" "Why were the opportunities there and I am here?"


I do see work as service. In fact, I am totally shifting it to the service mind set, not a mean to advance status or achievement. I no longer feel status and achievement to be relevant. Service, on the other hand, no matter where I am, will serve needs of others. Empower, encourage, help out, ......


I told myself I am going through a withdrawal of addicting to a path of self importance, a path of hiding behind achievement from being real and being true in relation to other people.


I had never really learned how to relate to people, other than assuring them my value with achievement and status. I was most comfortable to be around people when I was able to let them know where I am professionally.


However, there has been a shift these past few years. I no longer like to mention what I do when meeting people, simply carrying on conversations. I started to see high achievement in a different light. I also no longer pay attention to status of others. Everyone feels the same to me. They are just like me and I am just like them.

This is the last lap of growth. This is the last lap of transformation. It's not intense or rapid, but I am heading toward the right direction.