a moment in non-truth is a moment wasted

Have been focusing on school work-- in an intensive certificate program every friday on nonprofit management. Have also just organized and hosted a big new year event with legislators, community partners, client families and children. It quite a success.

During this busy time, my mind is constantly occupied--- assignment due, one more detail to make the event more perfect, one more reminder for the staff, one more look at the project before it being turned in....in between, I found myself watch a lot more tv--- to occupy myself until the next busy moment. I put up with myself being pretentious, defensive, and stressed. This is totally not what I would conduct daily routines. The certificate program ends in June. At work, it is as busy as ever.

I seem to be waiting for it to end in June, so that I will be totally free again. For now, I have been just constantly looking outwards.

I have found similar waiting in meditation as well--sitting a mediocre session, because there is always next time, tomorrow. I will just be busy with some of my thoughts for now. I will just sit a mediocre session for now.

Once I say "I know that place," my whole body will just take me there. However, it takes willingness and truthfulness--willing to stop the additive mind chattering and emotional high and low, willing to be in that place of stepping back and non-participating. There is a moment of defence and denial. And then slowly, truth shines through. Without willingness and truthfulness,it will be back and forth battles.

And then, it hits me--the next time will just be like this time, tomorrow will just be like today...Why not get to it this time? Why not get to it at this moment? What's wrong with this moment?

This self inquiry breaks through the layers and the truth always shines right through. A moment in non-truth is a moment wasted. Truth can be had right now, no waiting is required. You always know when you are with the truth--your body knows, and you know.

A seagull's death

After lunch on the Monday after the New Year, I was driving to go for a walk when I saw a seagull lying near the side of the street. Its wings were both in a spreading position, yet it appeared not moving at all.

I was looking forward to a good walk in the nature, but I just could not leave it on the road whether it is dead or half dead.

Having parkd the car a few yards further down, I started to think very hard about what things I would use to pick up and transport the bird. I happened to have a bag of grocery from Whole Food. I quickly took out the few items and decided to use the bag.

I walked toward the bird to see what shape it was in. What a magnificent bird--large, snow white feather, web feet..except now it is lifeless, both wings half stretching out in the air, feather mingled. There was a little blood underneath the body, still wet. Apparently whatever accident happened, it happened just minutes earlier.

My heart sank at such a sight and the thought of a violent event just minutes ago. A little food was scattered next to it. There were still some on the beak of the bird. What is most disturbing is seeing the tire mark on the belly of the bird, gray mark on the snow white feather. It was sickening...

I used tissue paper to pick up the bird and moved it to the sidewalk. I called a few animal hospitals to see if they are open on this Money holidy. Finally I decided that I needed to drive the bird to Angell Hospital in Jamaica Plain.

The bird was in the bag riding with me in the car. I felt humbled to be carrying a wild creature in my car. Although it looked 99% dead, I just couldn't let it to be on the street. It needs to go to a safe place, dead or alive.

I cried for a while in the car, sadden by the fact that some drivers can just run their cars over a living creature.

What is the meaning of such a mismatching phenomenon--a creature trying to sustain its survival by salvaging the food on the street, and a human being carelessly running it over.

I arrived at the animal hospital to show them the bird. They brought it into a room. After a few minutes, they told me it was dead.

I told myself, there is food chain in this world, animals live by eating other animals. Life is as magnificent as its beautiful and energetic form. Life also can be as meager as a bite of food for others, or in this case, a meaningless existence that belongs to under the wheel, according to some drivers

Maybe the bird doesn't even know this ugly truth. He left the world before he even learned this ugliness.

Willingness to Let the Truth Be

Anxious? Nervous? Dreading? Stressed? Afraid?

Coming to the end of a long weekend or vacation, where is this heading year after year, things don't seem to go as well as we want to, feeling trapped......

This is all because we are not staying with our truth.

If we are with the truth, there would be no doubt, suffering, anxiety, dread, fear, frustration...There will be no questions.

With truth, there is only willingness,trust, courage, compassion, openness, to face whatever is coming.

Willingness to face whatever is coming. Willingness to go through it. Trust that you will know what to do. You will then be able to focus and enjoy this here and now

Knowing that there are others who are in even worse desperation

Be compassionate about this moment like we would to a person or a living being. Do not ignore this moment.

Stay with the truth. Do not make things up. Do not bother with imaginations. We can only be with the truth, whatever is in front of us.

Be humble. Be small. Be like my cat--alive all his life with only a few people know his existence, yet he is totally magnificent.

What if there is no me? What if I don't do anything? What if I just observe the world go by?

What if I just let the truth be......

Flying into a beautiful tree

121511 Flying into a beautiful tree

I was dreaming that aliens came in the sky. Everyone was out of places to hide and did not know where to go. Many details were lost, but I remember I was in a room with a few others when the flying device of those aliens attached itself to the top of the room and started scanning with red light beaming. I somehow knew that they were recording what they saw.

For some reason, I was not too concerned and knew that I had secret power with me. At one point, I was out in the open. When I got a chance and had to escape, I consciously took off into the sky with my back facing the ground in a 45 degree angle. I felt so light and so easy and flew with full speed and energy, feeling totally free and powerful. After a while, I flew into a big tree with good view where I could see what's going on around and underneath me. This tree was full of energy, had big lush green leaves with smooth and shiny branches that extended beautifully. I felt very good in the tree. I looked up and was thinking to go higher up the tree where another portion of the branches looked within reach.

Then I was taking a few people to a recurrent market where I visit in my dream from time to time. This is a place where I felt very familiar and warm. I was wearing a elaborate robe which is a bit large for me. I looked at the mirror to make sure it fits. I took these people to have noodles for lunch. They all chip in.

111811 Sucked into a white tube

111811 Sucked into a white tube

I was dreaming until I came around my grandma's house. My awareness was that I was standing facing the front gate in the yard taking pictures with a few of my relatives (ancestors, although I didn't see their faces, I knew that they are ancestors). Then all of a sudden, my gaze into outside of the gate made my eyes fixated. Almost at the same time, I started to feel being sucked away from where I stood by a force. I was like what was going on. The force just completely overcome me and I became a swoosh and away I went.

I knew I was in altered state of consciousness but I kept thinking what this force could be. I simply went with it and didn't resist.

Now I felt that I was in this tube moving away. It's all white around me. I tried to see what is around me. I said "Awareness now" "Vision now", but I was still in the tube.

Then my awareness changed. I was in a room with three other people talking about something. A lamp caught on fire and we had to run out of the room.

In the last part, I was in this empty round hall with stone pillars around. I went through a narrow pathway to a desk where I would face the center of the hall studying something. I felt very familiar with this setting as if this is the place where I would stay away and focus and study, forever already.

As I woke up, I felt refreshed and healed all over. It is as if some blockage in me has been cleared. It never fails to amaze me every time this type of healing and clearing happens.