On weekends I have been visiting the geese family living in that lake, feeding them some bread and see how they are doing. Two chicks disappeared about three weeks ago, only one chick left with the mother and father geese. No one seems to have an any idea what happened to those chicks. Maybe people took them away home as pets.
This place of 640 acers has two lacks, two main roads, and many shaded trails surrounded by trees and plants. Aside from the picnic areas where people have barbecue and swimming in the water, most places are quiet and tranquil. I am just very lucky to have found this place.
Usually I sit near the water to work on chakras, body scan, and then take in the energy from the water and the trees. I enjoy having some fresh salad, fruits as lunch. Before and after that, I usually hike for the best part of the day, stopping to feel a certain tree, or the small plants on the side of the road, feeling the joy and magnificence of the living things.
I often wonder what can be better than this. If this is not heaven, what is?
Then I go back to my work during the week, running a program durirng the day and teaching three nights of courses each week now.
I am very good at what I do. But I still hope to be better, and maybe to be promoted to a higher position. When there is such hope, there are competition and comparation. Teaching courses not only keeps me in the leading edge, but also means more money to put aside for safety net for the future.
Ever since my first awakening, I have found that I have been getting much more flexible, much more stable, much more focused, and much more energized in whatever I do. However, there is still one thing that I still get slightly hung up on.
Will I be okay if I stop moving upward in positions? Will I be okay if someone else gets ahead? Will I be okay when I am old and weak?
Someone can still tip me off if their comment is about my performance as a leader, because of the frustration of how easy a good intention can be misinterpreted. At such times, although at a lesser degree, I found the effect similiar to that of an ex- boyfriend's insensitive words or act in the past, at a lesser degree because I do have the confidence and self knowing that I am very good and my status can't be swayed just because of someone's comment. But the fact of the effect on me still means something.
The attachement and the fear don't just go away as a general awakening, they can only be processed one by one. If we awake through a bad relationship, it doesn't bring automatic freedom to all things. We might still can't give up our need of control on other things. It has to be faced one by one, until one day, when we truly are free with all fear and attachement.
One thing very interesting is the technique of exposure of parting with things that we can't let go, or refraining from doing compulsive behaviors.
For the fear of losing the star edge at my organization, I can certainly get more and more flexible and open minded as I become more and more aware and present. However, one thing that will work fast is to expose myself to the opposite of what I want to be and face the anxiety and fear.
Try not to have an opinion. Try to be very small. Try to be just another human being without a title, a position. Try to be just like the tree and the geese by not needing to prove anything.
Of course, this doesn't mean stop performing or intentionally do a bad job at work.
This means let the inner energy be the lead.
Feel that energy inside. Act not out of fear, but out of who I really am, or do not act.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Why does everyone keep running away from here?
I am in the place of zero, and then a thought comes in, leading to another, and another. I can feel that the scenarios get my muscles tense up.
I ask "Why don't I want to be in here, the place of zero?" " Why does everyone keep runing away from here?" "What are we running away from?"
When I ask "why does everyone keep running away from here?" I feel compassionate for the neglected place, as if it's a living being got left behind all the time. So the compassion keeps rising. I feel compassionate toward myself, and then to the space around, and then to anything that comes to my awareness.
When I ask " what are we running away from?" I start to notice that there is a me, a center, that's always here.
Every time I come back to this center, I can feel that the tense of my muscle let go, I am home, I am in the place of zero.
I ask "Why don't I want to be in here, the place of zero?" " Why does everyone keep runing away from here?" "What are we running away from?"
When I ask "why does everyone keep running away from here?" I feel compassionate for the neglected place, as if it's a living being got left behind all the time. So the compassion keeps rising. I feel compassionate toward myself, and then to the space around, and then to anything that comes to my awareness.
When I ask " what are we running away from?" I start to notice that there is a me, a center, that's always here.
Every time I come back to this center, I can feel that the tense of my muscle let go, I am home, I am in the place of zero.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
the significance and mechanism of self compassion
I just listened to a CD recording to a conference of Center of Mindfulness on self compassion, which explains the mechanism from many scientific researches. I finally have the scientific studies to explain what I have been doing and experiencing all along
The following are a few things from the studies:
1. Self compassion is much more than self esteem.
2. Self compassion is twice better for our well being than the companionship a good friend would provide.
3. High self compassion is associated with low arousal state.
4. Self compassion enables us to see our suffering as a part of connected human experience, realizing that we are not alone. It is the feeling of isolation from the larger part that causes suffering.
What I have experienced is as following:
The ability and the process of getting to self compassion will be the end result of the journey.
We can sit regularly, we can get to the point of stillness, mindfulness, we can be totally relaxed...but nothing is like when we get to self compassion, really experiencing it with every part of our body and soul.
Have enough meditation practice, and explore the route of self exploration enough, and we will have to get to the point of self compassion.
When we sit and try to stay focused and aware, we find that we are going through the process of dealing with the surfacing of body sensation, emotions, thoughts, memory. Deep down underneath all these, there is this true place of zero.
Although we want to stay in that place of zero, somehow all these sensations, emotions, thoughts, memory keep taking us away from it. Sometimes it feels like we are more interested in all the drama above, because the excitements are more interesting than the emptiness and stillness.
But the type of excitements we are used to actually get our stress hormone going, keeping us on the high of whatever drama bring to us, preventing us to really experience the true happiness of zero.
Once we see this hopeless patterns of going around and around enough, we start to see how much suffering and pain this going around has been causing us. We shouldn't need to do anything to be okay. We are always okay all along, but this going around keeps taking us away from it.
Realizing this is not enough to keep us there. Then another layer of realization emerges, that we deserve to be in that place, and that only us are making the choice and have the power to take us away. This is the point where we need the practice to connect our body to be used to the state of zero, with the high regard, respect, compassion toward ourselves.
This rerquires some repetitive immersion in that place and the dealing with our inner struggles. In the process of each practice, we start to feel this is true within every part of our body and our soul.
Once we have no doubt and no barrier toward this zero state and the high respect and compassion toward self, our inner energy gets flowing and flowing to create and maintain such a state everywhere we go.
The following are a few things from the studies:
1. Self compassion is much more than self esteem.
2. Self compassion is twice better for our well being than the companionship a good friend would provide.
3. High self compassion is associated with low arousal state.
4. Self compassion enables us to see our suffering as a part of connected human experience, realizing that we are not alone. It is the feeling of isolation from the larger part that causes suffering.
What I have experienced is as following:
The ability and the process of getting to self compassion will be the end result of the journey.
We can sit regularly, we can get to the point of stillness, mindfulness, we can be totally relaxed...but nothing is like when we get to self compassion, really experiencing it with every part of our body and soul.
Have enough meditation practice, and explore the route of self exploration enough, and we will have to get to the point of self compassion.
When we sit and try to stay focused and aware, we find that we are going through the process of dealing with the surfacing of body sensation, emotions, thoughts, memory. Deep down underneath all these, there is this true place of zero.
Although we want to stay in that place of zero, somehow all these sensations, emotions, thoughts, memory keep taking us away from it. Sometimes it feels like we are more interested in all the drama above, because the excitements are more interesting than the emptiness and stillness.
But the type of excitements we are used to actually get our stress hormone going, keeping us on the high of whatever drama bring to us, preventing us to really experience the true happiness of zero.
Once we see this hopeless patterns of going around and around enough, we start to see how much suffering and pain this going around has been causing us. We shouldn't need to do anything to be okay. We are always okay all along, but this going around keeps taking us away from it.
Realizing this is not enough to keep us there. Then another layer of realization emerges, that we deserve to be in that place, and that only us are making the choice and have the power to take us away. This is the point where we need the practice to connect our body to be used to the state of zero, with the high regard, respect, compassion toward ourselves.
This rerquires some repetitive immersion in that place and the dealing with our inner struggles. In the process of each practice, we start to feel this is true within every part of our body and our soul.
Once we have no doubt and no barrier toward this zero state and the high respect and compassion toward self, our inner energy gets flowing and flowing to create and maintain such a state everywhere we go.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Stay still and feel what's inside
I remember in one of the episode of Hoarders on A & E, an old woman has made her own house a dumpster with piles and piles of stuff, trash, rotten food, and dead cats. Her daughter desperately wants to help her, but she often blames everyone else around her. Everything is always everybody else's fault. The daughter is sick and tired of being hurt and accused by her and the show is her last attempt of getting help for her mother.
As I watched the episode, I noticed a rocking chair this old woman often goes sit in, either to escape the argument with her daughter or to escape from the dumpster the house has turned into. I instantly know that this rocking chair can be one of the things that aid her denial.
The rocking just keeps her deeper and deeper into the denial. She rocks and rocks so that the discomfort of it all will not get to her, almost like she soothe herself with the rocking, so that she can continue to face the horrible condition of the house and the arguring with her daughter.
I have observed how easy we can be in denial about facing the truth in us in meditation. The discomfort when sitting is the metorphor of how uncomfortable she must feel in that house. However, we fidget and try different things to avoid being in the face of whatever we are trying to avoid. So we keep our thoughts, memory, emotions, sensations going, so that we don't need to face the truth that come up.
In fact, what we should do in meditation is to stay very still and let whatever comes up come up. Just focus. Just notice. Be brave. Do no try to fidget and move, in order to feel comfortable.
Usually in the beginning, we let it go and let the body rock and sway for a while. Then it will stop after the body has adjusted to its own position. This is the time when it's much easier to be still. Then start to observe and notice.
This is how we can notice and connect with our deeper level of inner energy.
As I watched the episode, I noticed a rocking chair this old woman often goes sit in, either to escape the argument with her daughter or to escape from the dumpster the house has turned into. I instantly know that this rocking chair can be one of the things that aid her denial.
The rocking just keeps her deeper and deeper into the denial. She rocks and rocks so that the discomfort of it all will not get to her, almost like she soothe herself with the rocking, so that she can continue to face the horrible condition of the house and the arguring with her daughter.
I have observed how easy we can be in denial about facing the truth in us in meditation. The discomfort when sitting is the metorphor of how uncomfortable she must feel in that house. However, we fidget and try different things to avoid being in the face of whatever we are trying to avoid. So we keep our thoughts, memory, emotions, sensations going, so that we don't need to face the truth that come up.
In fact, what we should do in meditation is to stay very still and let whatever comes up come up. Just focus. Just notice. Be brave. Do no try to fidget and move, in order to feel comfortable.
Usually in the beginning, we let it go and let the body rock and sway for a while. Then it will stop after the body has adjusted to its own position. This is the time when it's much easier to be still. Then start to observe and notice.
This is how we can notice and connect with our deeper level of inner energy.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Chakras
Here is an very informative website about kundalini.
http://biologyofkundalini.com/
Inner energy will take us on the right track, by listening to our own truth. When we are true, inner energy will start to flow. Blockage will be felt--emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Clearing these enough, we will come to feel the urge of doing yoga and exploring our chakras.
When I first did chakras, the sudden surge of energy made me angry and reactive for a few days. Issues came up at a faster pace. I had to deal with them for a while. These clearing is essential.
But after that, things take off smoothly, both spiritually and in life.Each of the seven chakras influences a different level in us. The goal is the balance in all of them. The process of balancing is the process of spiritual development.
Some might say there really is nothing to do. But due to the accumulated bodily sensation, emotions, thoughts, memories, there are things to do. there bound to be a process, whether it's quick for some or long for others.
Yes, the tricky part is how not to make the whole journey a ego-boosting trip from all these advancement we experience. Inner energy and the right way of being often reinforce each other and keep taking us to the next level.
If there is an ego involved, there will be a limit. If there is no ego, there will be no limit.
Just my 2 cents.
http://biologyofkundalini.com/
Inner energy will take us on the right track, by listening to our own truth. When we are true, inner energy will start to flow. Blockage will be felt--emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Clearing these enough, we will come to feel the urge of doing yoga and exploring our chakras.
When I first did chakras, the sudden surge of energy made me angry and reactive for a few days. Issues came up at a faster pace. I had to deal with them for a while. These clearing is essential.
But after that, things take off smoothly, both spiritually and in life.Each of the seven chakras influences a different level in us. The goal is the balance in all of them. The process of balancing is the process of spiritual development.
Some might say there really is nothing to do. But due to the accumulated bodily sensation, emotions, thoughts, memories, there are things to do. there bound to be a process, whether it's quick for some or long for others.
Yes, the tricky part is how not to make the whole journey a ego-boosting trip from all these advancement we experience. Inner energy and the right way of being often reinforce each other and keep taking us to the next level.
If there is an ego involved, there will be a limit. If there is no ego, there will be no limit.
Just my 2 cents.
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